Category: Parenting

What To Say Instead of “You’re Okay!”

Published on by Coach Benjamin MizrahiLeave a comment

With children, it’s less about what you say, and more about how you say it. Body posture and tone will always communicate more than our words. 

Communicating with compassion and understanding will have a long-lasting impact on your child’s emotional intelligence. Think of it as brain food that serves to enhance the wiring between the emotional and rational part of the brain. 

Parents wants their children to have a rich understanding of their internal world, as well as the ability to gain additional perspectives. This skill comes with age and with repeated experiences of feeling understood by another person. 

If you have toddler, what would you add to this list?

Don’t Judge Your Child’s Silence

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No one likes to be judged. Sometimes, the best that we can do is simply to remind ourselves of these simple facts, the more support we can give them, and the earlier they can start receiving it, the better. That means more compassion, less eye-rolling, and more listening. 

Allow them time and space to accomplish their tasks. Influence them with love, not with criticism. 

They will accomplish what they have to do, but not on the schedule you have in mind.   

How To Show Faith In Your Children

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We need to have faith in our children to solve small problems so they will have the ability to solve big problems later in life. Offer support through validating feelings or giving a hug, but not by rescuing or fixing. 

  • TAKE TIME FOR TRAINING 

It is important to Take Time for Training. Adults often expect children to accomplish tasks for which there has not been adequate training. This is more typical in homes than in schools. Parents may expect children to clean their rooms, but never teach them how. Children go into their messy rooms and feel overwhelmed. It may be helpful to clean the room with your children until they have more training. This is also a great way to create connection. 

  • CURIOSITY QUESTIONS

Be sure and use Curiosity Questions. Instead of telling children what to do, ask curiosity questions. “Where do your dirty clothes go?” “What do we need to do before we can vacuum the floor?” “What do you need to do to get your work done on time?” Children are great problem solvers when we give them a chance. 

  • PATIENCE

Patience is probably the most difficult part of showing faith in our children. It is almost always more expedient to solve problems for our children. This is particularly true when we are under time pressures.  In these cases we can take time later to explore solutions for the future. Ask your children exploratory questions. “What happened?” “What caused it to happen?” “What did you learn?” “What can you do in the future?” 

When time is not an issue, practice having patience with your children. Allow them to problem solve on their own. Allow them to feel a little disappointment. Allow them to work through their feelings. They will need these skills in the future. 

It may help to remember that who your children are today, is not who they will be forever. Someday they will be nagging their own children to put their dishes in the sink and to clean their rooms.  Remember that example is the best teacher. Model what you want for your children, take time for training so they learn skills, have regular family meetings, and then have lots of faith in them to become the best they can be. 

Kids Need People Who Love Them

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The most important thing children need is love. Loving your kids doesn’t just make them smarter and more confident – it even makes them healthier.

Children need both affection and structure in order to develop into secure, happy adults. So try whatever parenting styles you feel you need to try.

But remember, as long as you show your kids that you believe in them, as long as you offer them love, warmth, affection, and support, your kids are going to be just fine. 

Motivating the Unmotivated Child

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Over the years, many parents have asked me why their kids aren’t motivated and what they can do about it. How can you get your child to be more motivated? To do better in school? To even go to school?

The important thing to remember is this: your child is motivated. They’re just motivated to resist you and others when they do not want to do something. The key is to learn how to turn their negative motivation into a positive one.

Lack of Motivation is a Form of Resistance

When kids won’t get out of bed, won’t do their homework or school assignments, or won’t get involved in activities, it’s important for parents to realize that there is motivation in the child. But the motivation is to resist. The motivation is to do things their way, not yours. The motivation is to retain power.

When kids feel powerless, they try to feel powerful by withholding. A child or teenager who feels very powerless will stay in bed, not go to school, avoid homework, sit on the couch, and withhold overall involvement because it gives her a sense of being in control.

To the parent, the behavior looks completely out of control. But the child sees it as the only way to have control over what’s going on around him.

You’ll see it when you ask your child a question and he doesn’t answer, but you know he heard you. What’s that all about? That’s a child withholding an answer to feel powerful. When he says, “I don’t have to answer you if I don’t want to,” you see it as a lack of motivation. He sees it as a way to win control over you.

All Kids are Motivated by Something

I want to be clear about this point: everyone is motivated. The question is, motivated to do what? If a child looks like he’s not motivated, you have to look at what he’s accomplishing and assume that this is what he’s motivated to do.

So part of the solution is getting him to be motivated to do something else. To assume that the child is unmotivated is an ineffective way of looking at it. He is motivated. He’s simply motivated to do nothing. In this case, doing nothing means resisting and holding back to exercise control over you.

Kids Resist Because They Lack Problem-Solving Skills

The child who uses resistance as a form of control lacks both social skills and problem-solving skills.

They don’t have the social skills to know how to talk to other people, how to be friendly, and how to feel comfortable with themselves. Also, they don’t have the problem-solving skills to figure out what people want from them, how to deal with other people’s behavior, and how to meet expectations and demands.

These are basic skills we all have to learn in order to be successful as adults.

If continually resisting is how a child tries to solve problems, then parents will have a hard time until they teach the child how to solve problems appropriately.

The first step in teaching kids problem-solving skills is to understand that these kids are not helpless victims. Instead, they’re simply trying to solve problems in an ineffective manner.

Don’t Argue or Fight With Your Child About Motivation

Very often these kids are motivated by the power struggle. They find different ways to have that struggle with their parents. The job of the parents, therefore, is to find other ways for the child to solve the problem that’s causing the power struggle.

But if parents don’t have those other ways then the power struggle continues with no end in sight.

If you’re fighting day after day with a kid who won’t get out of bed, you’re never going to solve that problem. Because even if he gets out of bed then he won’t brush his teeth. And even if he brushes his teeth then he won’t comb his hair. Or he won’t wear clean clothes, or he won’t do his homework.

Understand that when you yell at your child for lack of motivation, you’re giving their resisting behavior power. So don’t yell. Don’t argue. Don’t give their resisting behavior power.

I understand that parents get frustrated—that’s normal. And sometimes you will lose your calm, even when you know better.

The point I want to make here is that yelling and fighting won’t solve the problem. If you’re yelling and fighting over these issues, you’re giving him more power in the struggle, and you don’t want to do that. Here’s what to do instead.

Be Clear, Calm, and Give Consequences for Your Child’s Behavior

Make the situation clear for the child. Use “I” words. Say the following:

“I want you to get up out of bed and get ready for school.”

“I want you to do your homework now.”

Then leave the bedroom. If the kid doesn’t do it, then there should be consequences. There should be accountability.

If your child says, “I don’t care about the consequences,” ignore her. She will tell you she doesn’t care just as a way to feel in control. Or, she may not care now, but as consequences get applied consistently, she will eventually see compliance as a better alternative to consequences.

Therefore, give consequences. And don’t worry if the kid doesn’t like it. You are not your child’s friend, you’re their parent.

Related content: Unmotivated Child? 6 Ways to Get Your Child Going

By the way, if your child doesn’t get out of bed, he shouldn’t be doing anything else. He shouldn’t get to play video games. He shouldn’t spend four hours in front of the TV. If he’s too sick to go to school, he shouldn’t be going out of the house. These rules should be set and enforced consistently.

Give Effective Consequences

Understanding what is and what is not an effective consequence is critical. The right consequences actually motivate your child to good behavior. They put you back in control and teach your child how to problem-solve, giving your child the skills needed to be a successful adult.

Know that effective consequences are not punishments. Indeed, I say all the time that you can’t punish your child into behaving better.

I recommend all parents to read this article on how to give kids consequences that work. And take a look at this sample video from The Complete Guide to Consequences.

Let Your Child Experience Natural Consequences

I would always tell parents in my office that you have to have the courage to let her experience the consequences of her behavior. It takes a lot of courage for a parent to step back and say:

“Okay, you’re not going to do your homework, and you’re going to get the grades that reflect that.”

But in these cases, it can help to let the child experience the natural consequences of resistance. You don’t let the kid watch TV. You say:

“Homework time is from six to eight. And if you don’t want to do your homework during that time, that’s fine. But you can’t go on the computer, you can’t play games, and you can’t watch TV. If you choose not to do your homework, that’s your choice. And if you fail, that’s your choice too.”

Remember, natural consequences are an important part of life. That’s why we have speeding tickets. A speeding ticket is a natural consequence. If you go too fast, the policeman stops you and gives you a ticket. He doesn’t follow you home to make sure you don’t speed anymore. He lets you go. It’s your job to stop and take responsibility. If you don’t, you’re going to get another ticket fifteen minutes later.

Natural consequences help people take responsibility, and they can be used to help kids take responsibility for things like going to school, participating in class, and doing homework.

Don’t Forget to Use Rewards

Along with the plan to let her experience the natural consequences of her decisions, build in rewards for success if she does make the right decision.

For example, if my son failed a test, there was no punishment. But if he passed, there was a reward. It was very simple. We rewarded A’s and B’s. We didn’t take anything away for C, we just didn’t reward it.

So my son eventually strived to have A’s all the time. So with kids who resist, it’s important to have a rewards system as well as a consequence system.

Be Patient and Persistent

Calmly and consistently using effective consequences is your fastest and best way to get your child motivated. Just be patient and persistent as consequences do their job and your child begins to learn better problem-solving skills. And know that the vast majority of kids come around and get motivated once they are held accountable in a meaningful way.

Related content: Motivating Underachievers: 9 Steps to Take When Your Child Says “I Don’t Care”

Source: Empowering Parents

What if You’re Not the Only One Having Trouble Functioning?

Published on by Coach Benjamin MizrahiLeave a comment

Yes, most people feel guilty about the way they’re coping during the pandemic.

Before reading the rest of this post, please complete the following quiz to assess your level of functioning during this pandemic. Keep track of how many times you answer “yes” to the following items.

Since the pandemic started, have you had multiple episodes in which you:

  • Planned productive activities that you haven’t been able to get yourself to start or complete?
  • Had trouble feeling motivated or energetic enough to plan productive activities?
  • Attempted to do something productive but had trouble focusing?
  • Had trouble sleeping and/or getting up in the morning? (And/or taken long naps during the day?)
  • Spent several hours passively watching TV, surfing the internet, or doing other things just to pass time?
  • Eaten more food than you’d like and/or less-healthy food than you’d like?
  • Experienced feelings of loneliness, anxiety, panic, depression, boredom, irritation, and/or numbness?
  • Felt anxious, guilty, or upset about experiencing these emotions, especially since so many people are in worse situations than you are? (Or felt guilty whenever you felt happy, since so many people are suffering?)
  • Felt anxious, guilty, and/or frustrated with yourself because you know (or at least assume) that you’re having episodes when you’re not coping as well as most people are?
  • Felt like you should be handling things better than you are?

——————————————

Thanks for taking the quiz. Now for the scoring. Give yourself one point for every “yes” answer.

If your total number of “yes” answers falls in the range of 2 to 11, that means that … you are handling this crisis much like most people are handling it. And if you answered “yes” to fewer than 2 of the questions, then…  I suspect you may be some sort of lab-altered superhuman destined to fight crime. (Sorry to break it to you in a Psychology Today post.)

I don’t mean to make light of the situation. I know that people are struggling. I’ve talked to dozens of people about their reactions to this crisis. Some have continued working (from home or otherwise), and others have lost jobs. Some are stable financially; others cannot pay rent. Some live alone; others live with families. Some are dealing with illness; others are the picture of health. However, regardless of circumstances, I’ve noticed one common factor:

Almost everyone has episodes when they feel like they should be handling things better than they are.

Of note is that some of these people have posted messages on social media about how much they have accomplished and how grateful they are for the extra time at home. Others initially responded to inquiries by saying that they were doing well… and only later admitted to having difficulty.

 

Most of us know that (newsflash!) people’s social media posts or answers in social situations don’t always reflect their full lives. And yet, we are so bombarded with positively skewed social media and conversations, as well as ubiquitous articles about how to use this time productively, that it can be easy to believe that everyone else is responding much more adaptively than we are—and then feel impatient and frustrated with ourselves as a result.

What’s more, many people also judge themselves based on what they would expect to accomplish during a standard vacation from work or break from social activities.

Newsflash #2: Your extra time at home during the pandemic is not a vacation or a break.

Nothing about this time is standard. The world has suddenly morphed into a dystopian sci-fi film, and nobody knows exactly how or when it will be resolved. Everyone is experiencing a tremendous amount of stress and other difficult emotions, and almost everyone is having at least some trouble functioning.

Expecting yourself to act as if the extra free time were a nice gift is just not realistic.

However, people tend to hold unrealistic expectations about how they should be functioning during this surreal time, and then become critical and frustrated with themselves when they don’t meet those expectations. Ironically, many people think that this self-criticism and frustration is beneficial, as they think these reactions will motivate them to “improve” their behavior.

Reality is actually the opposite.

Harsh self-criticism and judgments just lead to increased stress and additional negative emotions (such as shame, hopelessness, and despair). If a person already has trouble functioning with their current levels of stress and negative emotions, that person is going to have even more trouble functioning once the stress and negative emotions increase.

In other words, your self-critical reactions can become a vicious cycle. The more you judge yourself for not functioning up to your expectations, the more difficulty you will have functioning at all. And so on.

So what’s the solution? I’m not advocating giving up all goals and just floating through the rest of this pandemic with no effort. Instead, I encourage you to:

1. Work to modify your expectations based on these unprecedented circumstances.

a. There’s not only one “right” way to cope during this time. On some days, a realistic expectation might simply be just to survive one more day.

2. Work to be patient and compassionate with yourself when you do have trouble functioning. Remind yourself that:

a. Almost everyone is having at least some difficulty coping at the moment.

b. Criticizing and judging yourself will only increase the stress and negative emotions, which will leave you feeling less motivated and even less able to function adaptively.

c. The way you’re functioning in this unprecedented, once-in-a-lifetime situation is not predictive of how you will function once the pandemic subsides.

It’s not going to be easy, and (surprise, surprise) all of your guilt and self-criticism won’t suddenly disappear. But I urge you to at least consider working on the above.

One important point: I don’t want to minimize the fact that some people’s situations are more dire than others’, often through no fault of their own. However, as unfair as that is, it still doesn’t change the facts that a) almost everyone is having at least some trouble dealing with the current crisis, and b) judging oneself based on some unrealistic ideal of the “correct” way to function will just increase the stress and impede the ability to function.

My next post will discuss potential strategies for coping during this crisis. Foreshadowing: None of the strategies are the “right” or “best” way to cope for everyone, and none will make your stress disappear. (You won’t turn into a lab-altered superhuman.)

In summary of this post: If you have difficulty letting go of your self-judgments, just ask yourself:

What is your goal during the COVID-19 pandemic?

Is your goal to be tough on yourself while increasing your stress and decreasing your perceived ability to function? Or is your goal to get through the crisis as effectively as possible, even if it means that you may experience some bumps (or mountains) along the way?

If the latter, then remember:

♦ Working to be patient and compassionate toward yourself does not mean that you need to give up all expectations or stop working toward goals.

♦ Instead, it means that you will likely be more effective—and less stressed—if you:

• remind yourself that the world is in the middle of an unprecedented event,

• remind yourself that most people are having at least some trouble functioning, and

• give yourself some leeway when you don’t achieve what you expect to achieve or feel what you expect to feel. You’re not the only one.

 

Source: Psychology today

What to say instead of ‘You’re Okay’

Published on by Coach Benjamin MizrahiLeave a comment

Have you ever considered how conventional parenting advice, like saying “you’re okay” or putting your kids in time-out can actually hurt your relationship with your kids?

We know babies cry. But what if, while we are trying to keep our babies from crying, we’re actually harming our relationship with them?

Here’s what we say to our kids that can start to make them feel insecure in their relationship with us: “You’re okay.”

What’s wrong with this simple statement?

They don’t know what it means. They don’t think they’re okay. We’re telling them something they don’t understand, or believe.

Are they okay? Yes, of course they are. But when we tell them that, we’re telling them how to feel in that situation — when it’s not up to us. They need to understand what’s happening with their emotions, but they can’t understand if we don’t explain it properly.

Let’s put this concept into perspective. How would you feel if you just hurt yourself and can’t control what you’re feeling right now? You’re probably scared. And then someone you depend on tells you you’re okay, when you know for a fact that you’re not okay? You might even be labeled “bad” because you’re expressing yourself. Do you feel safe with that person? Do you believe them? Do you know how to express yourself around them the next time you feel that way?

What should we do in these situations? Show them empathy by putting yourself in your kid’s shoes: “I can see you’re upset, I wouldn’t like it if I fell down either. I’ll bet it hurts. I would be scared if I fell, too.” Here’s another example: “I know you’re sad that I’m leaving right now and you don’t want me to leave you with Grandma. You’re scared because you don’t know when you’ll see me again. I’ll be back soon, and I love you.”

Your kid will likely still be upset. But as they get older and feel understood, they’ll calm down quicker. There is an energy that comes from you that they will recognize, and know that they are okay because they’ll understand that you know what they’re feeling. They’ll feel safe to express themselves with you.

When you make a habit of showing your child empathy, you’ll build trust and connection in your relationship. They’ll start to recognize that it’s safe for them to feel the way they do, and that it’s safe for them to have a range of emotions. You’re also building the foundation of trust for when they start to have tantrums or break rules. When they trust you, they’ll be much more likely to regulate their emotions, so tantrums and rule breaking won’t happen as frequently and they won’t last as long.

Have you noticed how your kid responds to empathy versus you telling them they’re okay?

What Is Reasonable To Expect From Your Child During The Summer?

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There are many schools of thought on summertime learning activities for kids. What should be required, expected, or hoped for when it comes to academic learning? This all varies depending on your child’s age, level of performance relative to their grade level, desire for advancement, and I believe a very important consideration – level of stress and burn out from the school year.

Is summer learning necessary?

Most people would agree that there are certain skills that, especially when they are newly acquired or still being developed, need to be continued on a regular basis so that they are mastered – firmly placed into long-term memory. For example, a student that learned their times tables during the year will want to practice them to some degree during the summer months so they are not forgotten. Of course, with the heavy use of calculators I think all people need occasional brushing up on their math facts! Or what if your child is truly behind grade level? Here I would first request that the teacher be involved in helping you set a reasonable expectation for advancement. You don’t want to add pressure to “catch up” beyond what is realistic since the added stress will likely REDUCE the amount of learning that actually will take place.

If you are going to require your child do summer learning, I would suggest that you ask the teacher to provide you with resources and guidance so that the learning goal is S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-Bound). Then you can decide if outside tutoring or support is necessary.

Getting your child’s “buy in”

While children are still in the early years of grade school, it is a lot easier to choose and direct what they will spend their time doing. However, as children reach the tween and teen years they are much more cognizant of what their peers are doing and the work that is “required” by school verses parents. If you are going to require that your child do summertime learning activities it is very important that they feel good about doing the work. Creating motivation is of course crucial if you want this to be a positive experience. As I have mentioned previously (Motivation – How Can We Help Kids Find it?), motivation requires Autonomy, Mastery and Purpose.

Regardless of your child’s age or grade, make sure they understand why they are doing the activities, what choice if any they have in crafting when and how the work will be done, and what benefit they will derive from having done the work. A solid discussion with your child where you are allow them to express their concerns, questions, and desires will go a long way if done well in advance of the actual starting date. I am not opposed to offering a small reward or treat for them to participate in added summer learning as this may take the sting away!

Great summer learning opportunities

Typing
First and foremost, if your child is NOT very proficient in his/her keyboarding skills (QWERTY ten-finger typing) summer is a great time to learn this vital skill. Many students with ADHD have poor handwriting skills, making it challenging for them to write legibly at a quick pace. Also, many benefit by being able to use a word processor to organize their thoughts and manage their written work. Most children are developmentally capable of learning to type by 2nd or 3rd grade. There are many programs that only require a few minutes a day and the skills can be mastered within a two-month time period.

Learn a graphic organizing program
For many children with ADHD and Executive Function deficits, the writing process could be quite daunting. A good graphic organizing program can help students by giving them the structure and format to outline their work that is very easy to use. Programs like Inspiration (www.Inspiration.com offers a free 30 day trial) allow students to get their thoughts down on paper and then worry about organizing spelling and grammar afterwards. Once they learn how to use this program it is also excellent to use for annotating during reading and taking notes during class.

Time Management
Even though during the summer your child may not have many tasks or assignments to manage, this is a good time to introduce an overall approach to improve their skills for when they need them. One of the best techniques I’ve ever found to help people manage their time is the Pomodoro technique. Business executives and students use this technique to make sure that they not only plan our their work more efficiently, but also deepen their focus and concentration while they are doing the work. Read What I Learned About Time Management from Running and a Tomato for a basic explanation of this method. You might start using it yourself to get through some of your tasks as well!

Multiplication Tables
Whether your child is currently learning his math facts or still struggling to remember 7 x 6, summer is a great time to nail these facts down. A great tool I like is Times Tales. This lesson booklet contains a creative, innovative mnemonic-based program that makes it fun and easy to memorize the upper multiplication facts. Each number is a character (ex. 8 is a snowman) and there are short stories with graphics that include the fact and answer, making the learning fun and multi-sensory. For those interested, I have them available for sale in my office.

Summer Reading
Most students are assigned a book or two to read over the summer. While of course having your child actually read the book cover to cover is preferable, if you have a reluctant reader you may want to help the process along a little so at least they can gain value in properly doing the accompanying assignment or participating in the discussion once school begins again. Agreeing to share in the reading is one way to bond and help your child complete the book. Another option is to get the book through a program like Learning Ally. This is a service that, for a yearly fee, has a vast catalog of audio books that are recorded by individuals (as opposed to a computer generated voice). They have novels, textbooks, and magazines. This way they can listen to some or all of the book while they are moving around – a great way to keep the mind alert for some! It’s also great for during the year if the content material is too much volume for your child to read independently even though they are academically capable of absorbing the material.

21 Questions to Get Your Child to Open Up About School

Published on by Coach Benjamin Mizrahi1 Comment

“How was your day?” “Fine.” It’s not exactly illuminating conversation, is it? Unfortunately, many kids with ADHD don’t leap at the opportunity to talk to Mom and Dad about how their day at school went — especially if it went poorly. Here’s how parents can encourage better communication (hint: it starts by asking the right questions).

Kids don’t like to share their thoughts and feelings about school, especially if they have had a rough day. Unfortunately, many children diagnosed with attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD) have a lot of rough days at school. Many of them find school a slog — seven hours of falling short of expectations and feeling bad about themselves. Who would want to talk about those experiences every day?

Here’s a list of questions to ask that get them talking. Some questions will lead to interesting conversations, hilarious answers, and insights into how your children think and feel about school.  If your child is quiet about school, try out some of these questions on him or her:

  1. What was the best thing that happened at school today? (What was the worst thing that happened at school today?)
  2. Tell me something that made you laugh today.
  3. Whom would you like to sit by in class? (Whom would you not want to sit by in class? Why?)
  4. Where is the coolest place at the school?
  5. Tell me a weird word that you heard today (or something weird that someone said).
  6. If I called your teacher tonight, what would she tell me about you?
  7. How did you help somebody today?
  8. How did somebody help you today?
  9. Tell me one thing that you learned today.
  10. When were you the happiest today?
  11. When were you bored today?
  12. If an alien spaceship came to your class and beamed someone up, who would you want them to take?
  13. Who would you like to play with at recess whom you’ve never played with before?
  14. Tell me something good that happened today.
  15. What word did your teacher say the most today?
  16. What do you think you should do/learn more of at school?
  17. What do you think you should do/learn less of at school?
  18. Who in your class do you think you could be nicer to?
  19. Where do you play the most at recess?
  20. Who is the funniest person in your class? Why is he/she so funny?
  21. What was your favorite part of lunch?

Some of our favorite answers came from questions 12, 15, and 21. The “alien” question gives kids a non-threatening way to say who they would rather not have in their class, and encourage a discussion to ask why, potentially uncovering issues you didn’t know about.

“When I asked question 3,” says a mom, “I discovered that one of my children didn’t want to sit by a best friend in class anymore — not out of a desire to be mean but in the hope that she’d get the chance to work with other people.”

Source can be found here.