EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONS COACHING

As a parent now, are you making the effort to ensure your kids feel loved? Very often, it is the small things that count. 

Here are ways to make your kids feel loved. When you become grandparents, you will be touched that they still remember them. 

1. Turn off your smartphone. 

When you get home or your kids get back from school, turn off your phone and give them your full attention at least for the first half hour or so. The kids love this because they know you are not going to be distracted by texts as they tell you what happened at school.  

2. Turn off the TV and all gadgets at mealtimes. 

It is not much fun when kids have to compete with TV commercials or everybody texting away. Mealtimes are rare moments to enjoy each other’s company. There are enormous advantages for kids. They eat more healthily as it is not rushed. They also enjoy the companionship of their parents and they are much less likely to have an eating disorder later on. 

3. Make bedtime a precious moment. 

Younger kids will always treasure those moments when you read them a story as they drift happily into sleep. It is enormously reassuring and it is a unique bonding experience for parents and kids. The extra bonus is that this also helps your child’s brain development. 

4. Show physical affection. 

Countless studies show that kids thrive on warmth and affection. The child feels loved and will have a greater self-esteem. There is no need to go overboard but a kiss or a hug once a day will do you both a lot of good. It lessens the chances of your kids becoming aggressive, anti-social and having other behavioral problems. While adolescents might be embarrassed at the physical affection, there should always be words of support and empathy to take its place. 

5. Spend quality time with each child. 

It is wonderful when a parent or both parents can spend one-on-one quality time with each of their kids. This is great because they will each feel special, when given that attention away from their brothers or sisters. It can be anything from playing sports, cooking, or helping with chores. There is no better way of showing your kids that you really love and cherish them. 

6. Discipline them with love and affection. 

The key to successful parenting is not to switch on the love when they do well and deny it when they misbehave. There are no conditions but just a steady flow of affection so that kids feel their parents’ love is truly unconditional. 

7. Be a great role model. 

How many times have you told your kids what to do, how to be polite and to always wear their seat belt? Oftentimes, parents forget that they must be the perfect role models because children are great copycats. No better way to show that you love your kids than to walk the talk. Be kind, affectionate and caring to others and teach your kids to be color-blind about race. 

8. Involve them in decision making. 

What to wear for school the next day or where to visit when you go on holidays can be decided together with your kids. Make sure your kids are fully involved and engaged. It is also great for kids to start learning how to make decisions with their parents’ guidance. 

9. Never interrupt their stories. 

When a child has a story to tell about what happened at school never interrupt them but hear them out. The same goes when they want to share a book with you or show you a picture story. They will feel loved and wanted. If parents ignore them or are far too busy, kids will be the first to suffer and it is likely to last into adolescence and adulthood unless we really make the effort now. 

Love and affection are the foundation of happiness. By showing our kids this love every single day, we are giving them the greatest gift of all. 

Caring interactions help shape brain development. When a parent shows sensitivity, responsiveness, and consistent caregiving at times of distress, it helps calm the nervous system by acting as a buffer to stress, and supports emotional regulation within the relationship (co-regulation).   
  
Being able to be that person and that co-regulator for our toddlers is so important because they cannot hold on to their own stresses at this age, it’s too much and they are too little.  
  
They need to be able to share it with someone who will be able to be a calm and stable shelter for their pain. The more you practice this, the easier it will be for them to eventually hold their own pain (co-regulation -> self- regulation) 
  
It sometimes doesn’t seem like much, hugging, staying close, giving space, giving empathy- but it really is everything for infants and toddlers. Their growing brains depend on it. 

It’s critical that our children know that they can disagree. It’s imperative that they know they can experiment with boundaries without being cutoff. To be clear, when your child misbehaves, it’s okay to be upset; however, it’s not okay to emotionally disconnect. There’s a difference between disconnecting from your child and remaining connected and managing the behavior. ⁠ 
 
Emotional disconnection is withdrawing without explanation or avoiding your child whereas remaining connected will involve an explanation for what’s happening without becoming hostile, aggressive, or withdrawn. 
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This pulling away and disconnection teaches our children some of their earliest lessons on boundaries. What they learn is that “I am only lovable when I behave.” This child will then learn to fall in line and keep the peace. They will avoid disagreeing to keep the relationship. They may fear that setting boundaries will lead to loss of relationships. ⁠ 
 
A better approach to this is speaking about the behavior you’re hoping to change or pointing out what you notice. Here are some examples: ⁠ 
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“I see you’re frustrated, but you still can’t go outside right now.”⁠ 
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“When you scream like that it hurts my ears. Lower the volume and I’ll be able to hear you better.”⁠ 
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They may persist. What should you do? ⁠ 
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1. Hold your own boundary. ⁠ 
2. Tell them they are allowed to continue, but you’ll have to remove yourself (obviously if safe). ⁠ 
3. Show them what it looks like to do this appropriately without yelling or using forceful behavior. ⁠ 

When we invalidate children’s feelings and experiences by minimizing, discrediting, accusing, or rushing them, we teach them to respond to their own feelings—and the feelings of others—the same way. We create in them an inner voice that will continue to discredit both themselves (“it’s not that bad, I shouldn’t feel so sad”) and others (it’s not that bad, YOU shouldn’t feel so sad). ⁣ 
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Instead of minimizing (“Stop crying, it wasn’t that big a deal”), try connecting (“it sounds like you’re feeling really sad. I’m here with you.”) ⁣ 
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Instead of discrediting (“I know you’re angry, but you have to stay calm”) try validating (“I hear that you’re too upset to be calm right now. Do you want space or would you like to talk about it?”) ⁣ 
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️Instead of accusing (“Your teacher wouldn’t send you to the principal for no reason, you must have been goofing off.”), try empathizing (“To you, what happened at school felt really unfair. I’m listening.”) ⁣ 
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Instead of rushing (“I don’t want to hear it anymore.”) try empathizing (“Wow, it sounds like this is really hard for you. Would you like me to hold you?”) ⁣ 

When you have a child with ADHD, you may need a different approach to discipline. A few simple changes to your parenting strategies could give your child the tools they need to manage their behavior more effectively. 

Kids with ADHD may have trouble sitting still, completing tasks, managing impulses, and following directions. These discipline strategies can be instrumental in helping a child with challenging behaviors to follow the rules. 

• Provide positive attention – Positive playtime reduces attention-seeking behavior. And it will make your consequences more effective. No matter how difficult their behavior has been, set aside one-on-one time with your child every day. Just 15 minutes of positive attention is one of the simplest, yet most effective, ways to reduce behavior problems. 

• Give effective instructions – Kids with short attention spans need extra help following directions. Quite often, they don’t hear the instructions in the first place. Ask your child to repeat back to you what they heard to make sure they fully understand. 

• Praise your child’s effort – Catch your child being good and point it out. Praise motivates children with ADHD to behave, and frequent feedback is important. Make your praise specific. Instead of saying, “Nice job,” say, “Great job putting your dish in the sink right when I asked you to.” Praise your child for following directions, playing quietly, and sitting still and you’ll encourage them to keep it up. 

• Use Time-Out when necessary – Time-out can be a good way to help kids with ADHD calm their bodies and their brains. Teach your child to go to a quiet spot to calm down when they are overstimulated or frustrated. Create a comfortable area and calmly guide them there, not as punishment, but as a way to soothe themselves. Eventually, your child will learn to go to this place on their own before they get into trouble. 

• Ignore Mild Misbehaviors – Ignoring mild misbehaviors teaches them that obnoxious behavior won’t get them desired results. Ignore whining, complaining, loud noises, and attempts to interrupt you. Eventually, your child will stop. 

• Allow for Natural Consequences – Sometimes, allowing for natural consequences makes more sense than trying to convince a child to make a better choice. For example, if your child refuses to take a break from playing to eat lunch, simply put the food away. The natural consequence is that they will likely be hungry later and will have to wait until dinner to eat. Tomorrow, they will be more motivated to eat lunch when it is served. 

• Establish a Reward System – Establish a few target token-earning behaviors, such as staying at the table during a meal, using gentle touches with a pet, or putting toys away after using them. Then, allow tokens to be exchanged for bigger rewards, like electronics time or a chance to play a favorite game together. 

• Work With Your Child’s Teacher – When parents work together with a child’s teacher, it increases the chances that a child will be successful in school. Some children need modifications to their schoolwork, such as being allowed extra time on tests, to be successful. 

You’ll be doing this every time you acknowledge their strengths, the brave things they do, their effort when they do difficult things; and their tiny shuffles or big leaps towards braveness. 
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This isn’t always easy. Their anxiety will trigger ours – when our children feel unsafe, often so will we. So, we have to hang on strong to the truth of it all – that we know they can do this. If you feel yourself believing in their anxiety more than their braveness, remind yourself that they will believe in themselves when you do. Then, breathe, find calm and let your courage lead theirs. 

Whether you’re a stay at home or a working parent, not providing our children with “everything they need” can immediately put us in a state of guilt. ⁣⁣ 
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We see images on social media of people taking big vacations, taking their kids to see the latest show, enrolling in three different lessons, or buying the best baby swing and we question whether or not our child is missing out by not having all of the extras. ⁣⁣ 
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While vacations are wonderful and lessons are great, our children do not need much apart from a safe and nurturing relationship during those early years of life. ⁣⁣ 
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They may remember going to Disneyworld and getting to meet Elsa or Mr. Incredible but when they grow up and someone asks them, what was it like growing up with your parents? ⁣⁣ 
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We hope that they’ll say, 
 
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I remember my mom sitting with me in the playroom building blocks, then after we used up all the blocks, we’d pretend we were bulldozers and knock down the tower. We’d roll on the floor laughing and hugging. ⁣⁣ 
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I remember waking up each Sunday morning and making pancakes with my dad. He’d let me mix all the ingredients and then I’d sit on the counter and watch him flip the pancakes. ⁣⁣ 
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Building a relationship with your children comes in the everyday ordinary moments. ⁣⁣ 
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The moments when you make small gestures to connect with your children and let them know that they are special and loved. ⁣⁣ 

Many children have difficulty regulating their emotions. Tantrums, outbursts, whining, defiance, fighting:  these are all behaviors you see when kids experience powerful feelings they can’t control. Parents can start by helping children understand how their emotions work. Kids don’t go from calm to sobbing on the floor in an instant. That emotion builds over time, like a wave. Kids can learn control by noticing and labeling their feelings earlier, before the wave gets too big to handle. 

Here are the 5 tips to help children calm down: 

1. Validate their feelings. Validation is a powerful tool for helping kids calm down by communicating that you understand and accept what they’re feeling. 

2. Paying positive attention. The most powerful tool parents have in influencing behavior is attention. When you’re shaping a new behavior, you want to praise it and give a lot of attention to it. 

3. Clear expectations. Another key way to help prevent kids from getting dysregulated is to make your expectations clear and follow consistent routines. 

4. Give options. When kids are asked to do things, they’re not likely to feel enthusiastic about it, giving them options may reduce outbursts and increase compliance. For instance: “You can either come with me food shopping or you can go with Dad to pick up your sister.”  Or: “You can get ready for bed now and we can read a story together — or you can get ready for bed in 10 minutes and no story.” 

5. Five special minutes a day. Even a small amount of time set aside reliably, every day, for mom or dad to do something chosen by a child can help that child manage stress at other points in the day. It’s a time for positive connection, without parental commands, ignoring any minor misbehavior, just attending to your child and letting her be in charge. It can help a child who’s having a tough time in school, for instance, to know she can look forward to that special time. “These five minutes of parental attention should not be contingent on good behavior,”. It’s a time, no matter what happened that day, to reinforce that ‘I love you no matter what.’  

Every child is different. Children develop differently, have different personalities, possess different strengths and require different kinds of support to meet their individual needs. While their developmental pathways may differ, most pass a set of predictable milestones along the way. It is normal for children to experience developmental spurts and slow spots in different areas of their development over time. If your child is a little ahead or a little behind at a certain age – this is normal. Most of the time, given the right nurturing and stimulation, all children will catch up in the end. 

All children have different strengths and vulnerabilities. Some are good at sport, others in music. Some are very academic and others are not. Some are highly anxious and others are more relaxed. Some children are good sleepers and others wake up through the night for years. 

The task of parenting is a constantly changing one as the growing needs and abilities of our children change over time. There is no ‘one-size fits all’ way to parent. What works for one child may not work for another. What worked when children were two years old may not work when they are four. 

Adaptability and flexibility are key ingredients to parenting. 

One of the most encouraging things parents can do for their children is to spend regular, scheduled special time with them. You may already spend lots of time with your children. However, there is a difference between have to time, casual time, and scheduled special time. 

There are several reasons why special time is so encouraging: 

1. Children feel a sense of connection when they can count on a special time with you. They feel that they are important to you. This decreases their need to misbehave as a mistaken way to find belonging and significance.  

2. Scheduled special time is a reminder to you about why you had children in the first place—to enjoy them.  

3. When you are busy and your children want your attention, it is easier for them to accept that you don’t have time when you say, “Honey, I can’t right now, but I sure am looking forward to our special time at 4:30.” 

4. Plan the special time with your children. Brainstorm a list of things you would like to do together during your special time. When first brainstorming your list, don’t evaluate or eliminate. Later you can look at your list together and categorize. If some things cost too much money, put them on a list of things to save money for. If the list contains things that take longer than the 10 to 30 minutes you have scheduled for the special time, put these items on a list that can be put on a calendar for longer family fun times. 

NO ONE is born a parent; we all learn as we go. We are forever learning and adjusting. When we learn and know better, we do better. 

Here are some commitments that will make you a better parent: 

1. Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered. 

Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves.  

2. Commit to staying connected. 

Separation happens. That’s why we have to repeatedly reconnect. Remember that quality time is about connection, not teaching, so it’s mostly unstructured. Hug your child first thing every morning and when you say goodbye. When you’re reunited later in the day, spend fifteen minutes solely focused on your child.  

4. Commit to role modeling respect. 

Want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful, right through the teen years? Take a deep breath, and speak to them respectfully. Not always easy when you’re angry, so remember the cardinal rules of managing your emotions with kids: You’re the role model, don’t take it personally, and this too shall pass! 

5. Commit to looking for the needs behind your child’s behavior. 

Your kid has a reason for whatever he’s doing that displeases you. It might not be what you consider a good reason, but it’s what’s motivating his behavior. If yelling at him about his behavior was going to change it, that would have worked already. Only by addressing the underlying need do we change a person’s behavior. Parents who address kids’ need pre-emptively by noticing problem areas (“Hmm…. looks like she wants to choose her own clothes, even if they don’t match!”) are rewarded with kids who cooperate. 

6. Commit to guidance rather than punishment. 

Kids only behave to please us. When we constantly criticize and discipline, they harden their hearts to us. Parents who lead by a loving example, address needs rather than focusing on misbehavior, redirect pre-emptively rather than punish. 

7. Commit to remembering what’s important and an attitude of gratitude. 

Stay positive and choose your battles. Every negative interaction with your child uses up valuable of the relationship capital. Focus on what matters. 

How can you teach your kids to be respectful? Both respectful to you and to other kids and adults? 
 
The answer is that YOU have to model the respect. 

You can make a few simple tweaks to the way you interact with your children that will ENCOURAGE a mutually respectful relationship. 

When you make an intentional effort to model a respectful attitude for your children, they are more likely to mimic it. The idea is that children deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. 

Here are Effective Ways to Teach Kids Respect:  

1. Stay calm and don’t overreact when you “think” your child is being disrespectful  

To teach respect, first, we need to stay calm and stay in control. Identify if this is a real “disrespect” situation, a misunderstanding or simply because the child hasn’t learned the proper response in such situation. 

2. Identify the cause for disrespect and focus on teaching problem-solving alternatives 

When genuinely being disrespected, we should pay attention to the circumstance instead of going off on the child, “You are being disrespectful!”  

Ask your child why he or she is acting that way. 

3. Model how to be respectful by respecting your kids first 

What better way to teach a behavior than modeling the behavior you want to teach? Show them how to respect by respecting them. Just treat your child as a person in the same way you treat other grownups. 

When children’s differences are accepted, they feel heard and respected. They see first-hand how to treat others who have different opinions. They learn that they should respect people despite their differences. This understanding and tolerance for differences will become especially important when the teenage years come. 

4. Use kind and firm discipline to teach, not to punish 

Discipline means to teach or to train, not to punish. It doesn’t have to be punitive. In fact, studies have shown that positive discipline is a lot more effective and longer-lasting than punitive strategies. 

If we discipline using a menacing or stern tone when our kids have done something wrong, we are showing them how to be cruel and harsh to those who make mistakes. 

5. Give respect to earn respect 

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Parents spend so much effort, time and money to care for their little ones. Their entire lives changed and started to revolve around their children the moment they were born. It is only natural that we expect kids to respect their parents. 

But little children don’t understand all this. And to be fair, they didn’t ask us to do all this! We ourselves decided to take on these responsibilities.