Give Your Child Unconditional Love

Published on by Coach Benjamin MizrahiLeave a comment

Showing children you love them for who they are and not what they do is acutely important to their self-esteem. It requires that you separate the child from his or her behavior.

For example, toddlers frequently scream, cry, pout, strike out, and sulk when they are tired, uncomfortable, frustrated, hungry, or bored. At those moments, they are not very easy to be around, but this is the best time to show them you love them. If they are old enough to understand, explain that their behavior makes you unhappy or angry, but that no matter how badly they act, you still love them. 

Psychologists agree that it is impossible to spoil or over indulge a baby, so take every opportunity to hold and caress them. Physical touch is important. 

How To Build Your Child’s Self Esteem and Encourage Good Behavior

Published on by Coach Benjamin MizrahiLeave a comment

Parents praise and encouragement will help children feel good about themselves. This boosts their self-esteem and confidence. Finding ways to compliment your children can be a very valuable parenting tool. So often we are focused on what our children have done wrong. This week focus on what your children have done right and give them an appropriate compliment. 

Tips for using praise, encouragement and rewards 

Help build your child’s self-esteem and encourage good behavior with these tips: 

  1. When you feel good about your child, say so. See if you can give your child some words of encouragement every day. The small things you say can build up over time to have a big effect on your child. 
  1. Try to praise more than you criticize. As a guide, try to praise your child six times for every one time you say something negative. 
  1. Look for little changes and successes. Rather than waiting until your child has done something perfectly to give a compliment, try to praise any effort or improvement. 
  1. Accept that everyone’s different. Praise your child for her unique strengths and encourage her to develop and feel excited about her particular interests. This will help her develop a sense of pride and confidence. 
  1. Surprise your child with a reward for good behavior. For example, ‘Thanks for picking up the toys – let’s go to the park to celebrate’. 
  1. Praise effort as well as achievement. Recognize and praise how hard your child is trying – for example, ‘You worked really hard on that essay’ or ‘Thank you for remembering to hang your coat on the peg’. 
  1. Try to make your praise dependent on your child’s behavior, rather than your feelings. You might find that the more you look for good behavior to praise, the more positive you’ll feel (and the more good behavior you’ll see). 

What To Say Instead of “You’re Okay!”

Published on by Coach Benjamin MizrahiLeave a comment

With children, it’s less about what you say, and more about how you say it. Body posture and tone will always communicate more than our words. 

Communicating with compassion and understanding will have a long-lasting impact on your child’s emotional intelligence. Think of it as brain food that serves to enhance the wiring between the emotional and rational part of the brain. 

Parents wants their children to have a rich understanding of their internal world, as well as the ability to gain additional perspectives. This skill comes with age and with repeated experiences of feeling understood by another person. 

If you have toddler, what would you add to this list?

Don’t Judge Your Child’s Silence

Published on by Coach Benjamin MizrahiLeave a comment

No one likes to be judged. Sometimes, the best that we can do is simply to remind ourselves of these simple facts, the more support we can give them, and the earlier they can start receiving it, the better. That means more compassion, less eye-rolling, and more listening. 

Allow them time and space to accomplish their tasks. Influence them with love, not with criticism. 

They will accomplish what they have to do, but not on the schedule you have in mind.   

How To Show Faith In Your Children

Published on by Coach Benjamin MizrahiLeave a comment

We need to have faith in our children to solve small problems so they will have the ability to solve big problems later in life. Offer support through validating feelings or giving a hug, but not by rescuing or fixing. 

  • TAKE TIME FOR TRAINING 

It is important to Take Time for Training. Adults often expect children to accomplish tasks for which there has not been adequate training. This is more typical in homes than in schools. Parents may expect children to clean their rooms, but never teach them how. Children go into their messy rooms and feel overwhelmed. It may be helpful to clean the room with your children until they have more training. This is also a great way to create connection. 

  • CURIOSITY QUESTIONS

Be sure and use Curiosity Questions. Instead of telling children what to do, ask curiosity questions. “Where do your dirty clothes go?” “What do we need to do before we can vacuum the floor?” “What do you need to do to get your work done on time?” Children are great problem solvers when we give them a chance. 

  • PATIENCE

Patience is probably the most difficult part of showing faith in our children. It is almost always more expedient to solve problems for our children. This is particularly true when we are under time pressures.  In these cases we can take time later to explore solutions for the future. Ask your children exploratory questions. “What happened?” “What caused it to happen?” “What did you learn?” “What can you do in the future?” 

When time is not an issue, practice having patience with your children. Allow them to problem solve on their own. Allow them to feel a little disappointment. Allow them to work through their feelings. They will need these skills in the future. 

It may help to remember that who your children are today, is not who they will be forever. Someday they will be nagging their own children to put their dishes in the sink and to clean their rooms.  Remember that example is the best teacher. Model what you want for your children, take time for training so they learn skills, have regular family meetings, and then have lots of faith in them to become the best they can be. 

Kids Need People Who Love Them

Published on by Coach Benjamin MizrahiLeave a comment

The most important thing children need is love. Loving your kids doesn’t just make them smarter and more confident – it even makes them healthier.

Children need both affection and structure in order to develop into secure, happy adults. So try whatever parenting styles you feel you need to try.

But remember, as long as you show your kids that you believe in them, as long as you offer them love, warmth, affection, and support, your kids are going to be just fine. 

Motivating the Unmotivated Child

Published on by Coach Benjamin MizrahiLeave a comment

Over the years, many parents have asked me why their kids aren’t motivated and what they can do about it. How can you get your child to be more motivated? To do better in school? To even go to school?

The important thing to remember is this: your child is motivated. They’re just motivated to resist you and others when they do not want to do something. The key is to learn how to turn their negative motivation into a positive one.

Lack of Motivation is a Form of Resistance

When kids won’t get out of bed, won’t do their homework or school assignments, or won’t get involved in activities, it’s important for parents to realize that there is motivation in the child. But the motivation is to resist. The motivation is to do things their way, not yours. The motivation is to retain power.

When kids feel powerless, they try to feel powerful by withholding. A child or teenager who feels very powerless will stay in bed, not go to school, avoid homework, sit on the couch, and withhold overall involvement because it gives her a sense of being in control.

To the parent, the behavior looks completely out of control. But the child sees it as the only way to have control over what’s going on around him.

You’ll see it when you ask your child a question and he doesn’t answer, but you know he heard you. What’s that all about? That’s a child withholding an answer to feel powerful. When he says, “I don’t have to answer you if I don’t want to,” you see it as a lack of motivation. He sees it as a way to win control over you.

All Kids are Motivated by Something

I want to be clear about this point: everyone is motivated. The question is, motivated to do what? If a child looks like he’s not motivated, you have to look at what he’s accomplishing and assume that this is what he’s motivated to do.

So part of the solution is getting him to be motivated to do something else. To assume that the child is unmotivated is an ineffective way of looking at it. He is motivated. He’s simply motivated to do nothing. In this case, doing nothing means resisting and holding back to exercise control over you.

Kids Resist Because They Lack Problem-Solving Skills

The child who uses resistance as a form of control lacks both social skills and problem-solving skills.

They don’t have the social skills to know how to talk to other people, how to be friendly, and how to feel comfortable with themselves. Also, they don’t have the problem-solving skills to figure out what people want from them, how to deal with other people’s behavior, and how to meet expectations and demands.

These are basic skills we all have to learn in order to be successful as adults.

If continually resisting is how a child tries to solve problems, then parents will have a hard time until they teach the child how to solve problems appropriately.

The first step in teaching kids problem-solving skills is to understand that these kids are not helpless victims. Instead, they’re simply trying to solve problems in an ineffective manner.

Don’t Argue or Fight With Your Child About Motivation

Very often these kids are motivated by the power struggle. They find different ways to have that struggle with their parents. The job of the parents, therefore, is to find other ways for the child to solve the problem that’s causing the power struggle.

But if parents don’t have those other ways then the power struggle continues with no end in sight.

If you’re fighting day after day with a kid who won’t get out of bed, you’re never going to solve that problem. Because even if he gets out of bed then he won’t brush his teeth. And even if he brushes his teeth then he won’t comb his hair. Or he won’t wear clean clothes, or he won’t do his homework.

Understand that when you yell at your child for lack of motivation, you’re giving their resisting behavior power. So don’t yell. Don’t argue. Don’t give their resisting behavior power.

I understand that parents get frustrated—that’s normal. And sometimes you will lose your calm, even when you know better.

The point I want to make here is that yelling and fighting won’t solve the problem. If you’re yelling and fighting over these issues, you’re giving him more power in the struggle, and you don’t want to do that. Here’s what to do instead.

Be Clear, Calm, and Give Consequences for Your Child’s Behavior

Make the situation clear for the child. Use “I” words. Say the following:

“I want you to get up out of bed and get ready for school.”

“I want you to do your homework now.”

Then leave the bedroom. If the kid doesn’t do it, then there should be consequences. There should be accountability.

If your child says, “I don’t care about the consequences,” ignore her. She will tell you she doesn’t care just as a way to feel in control. Or, she may not care now, but as consequences get applied consistently, she will eventually see compliance as a better alternative to consequences.

Therefore, give consequences. And don’t worry if the kid doesn’t like it. You are not your child’s friend, you’re their parent.

Related content: Unmotivated Child? 6 Ways to Get Your Child Going

By the way, if your child doesn’t get out of bed, he shouldn’t be doing anything else. He shouldn’t get to play video games. He shouldn’t spend four hours in front of the TV. If he’s too sick to go to school, he shouldn’t be going out of the house. These rules should be set and enforced consistently.

Give Effective Consequences

Understanding what is and what is not an effective consequence is critical. The right consequences actually motivate your child to good behavior. They put you back in control and teach your child how to problem-solve, giving your child the skills needed to be a successful adult.

Know that effective consequences are not punishments. Indeed, I say all the time that you can’t punish your child into behaving better.

I recommend all parents to read this article on how to give kids consequences that work. And take a look at this sample video from The Complete Guide to Consequences.

Let Your Child Experience Natural Consequences

I would always tell parents in my office that you have to have the courage to let her experience the consequences of her behavior. It takes a lot of courage for a parent to step back and say:

“Okay, you’re not going to do your homework, and you’re going to get the grades that reflect that.”

But in these cases, it can help to let the child experience the natural consequences of resistance. You don’t let the kid watch TV. You say:

“Homework time is from six to eight. And if you don’t want to do your homework during that time, that’s fine. But you can’t go on the computer, you can’t play games, and you can’t watch TV. If you choose not to do your homework, that’s your choice. And if you fail, that’s your choice too.”

Remember, natural consequences are an important part of life. That’s why we have speeding tickets. A speeding ticket is a natural consequence. If you go too fast, the policeman stops you and gives you a ticket. He doesn’t follow you home to make sure you don’t speed anymore. He lets you go. It’s your job to stop and take responsibility. If you don’t, you’re going to get another ticket fifteen minutes later.

Natural consequences help people take responsibility, and they can be used to help kids take responsibility for things like going to school, participating in class, and doing homework.

Don’t Forget to Use Rewards

Along with the plan to let her experience the natural consequences of her decisions, build in rewards for success if she does make the right decision.

For example, if my son failed a test, there was no punishment. But if he passed, there was a reward. It was very simple. We rewarded A’s and B’s. We didn’t take anything away for C, we just didn’t reward it.

So my son eventually strived to have A’s all the time. So with kids who resist, it’s important to have a rewards system as well as a consequence system.

Be Patient and Persistent

Calmly and consistently using effective consequences is your fastest and best way to get your child motivated. Just be patient and persistent as consequences do their job and your child begins to learn better problem-solving skills. And know that the vast majority of kids come around and get motivated once they are held accountable in a meaningful way.

Related content: Motivating Underachievers: 9 Steps to Take When Your Child Says “I Don’t Care”

Source: Empowering Parents

What if You’re Not the Only One Having Trouble Functioning?

Published on by Coach Benjamin MizrahiLeave a comment

Yes, most people feel guilty about the way they’re coping during the pandemic.

Before reading the rest of this post, please complete the following quiz to assess your level of functioning during this pandemic. Keep track of how many times you answer “yes” to the following items.

Since the pandemic started, have you had multiple episodes in which you:

  • Planned productive activities that you haven’t been able to get yourself to start or complete?
  • Had trouble feeling motivated or energetic enough to plan productive activities?
  • Attempted to do something productive but had trouble focusing?
  • Had trouble sleeping and/or getting up in the morning? (And/or taken long naps during the day?)
  • Spent several hours passively watching TV, surfing the internet, or doing other things just to pass time?
  • Eaten more food than you’d like and/or less-healthy food than you’d like?
  • Experienced feelings of loneliness, anxiety, panic, depression, boredom, irritation, and/or numbness?
  • Felt anxious, guilty, or upset about experiencing these emotions, especially since so many people are in worse situations than you are? (Or felt guilty whenever you felt happy, since so many people are suffering?)
  • Felt anxious, guilty, and/or frustrated with yourself because you know (or at least assume) that you’re having episodes when you’re not coping as well as most people are?
  • Felt like you should be handling things better than you are?

——————————————

Thanks for taking the quiz. Now for the scoring. Give yourself one point for every “yes” answer.

If your total number of “yes” answers falls in the range of 2 to 11, that means that … you are handling this crisis much like most people are handling it. And if you answered “yes” to fewer than 2 of the questions, then…  I suspect you may be some sort of lab-altered superhuman destined to fight crime. (Sorry to break it to you in a Psychology Today post.)

I don’t mean to make light of the situation. I know that people are struggling. I’ve talked to dozens of people about their reactions to this crisis. Some have continued working (from home or otherwise), and others have lost jobs. Some are stable financially; others cannot pay rent. Some live alone; others live with families. Some are dealing with illness; others are the picture of health. However, regardless of circumstances, I’ve noticed one common factor:

Almost everyone has episodes when they feel like they should be handling things better than they are.

Of note is that some of these people have posted messages on social media about how much they have accomplished and how grateful they are for the extra time at home. Others initially responded to inquiries by saying that they were doing well… and only later admitted to having difficulty.

 

Most of us know that (newsflash!) people’s social media posts or answers in social situations don’t always reflect their full lives. And yet, we are so bombarded with positively skewed social media and conversations, as well as ubiquitous articles about how to use this time productively, that it can be easy to believe that everyone else is responding much more adaptively than we are—and then feel impatient and frustrated with ourselves as a result.

What’s more, many people also judge themselves based on what they would expect to accomplish during a standard vacation from work or break from social activities.

Newsflash #2: Your extra time at home during the pandemic is not a vacation or a break.

Nothing about this time is standard. The world has suddenly morphed into a dystopian sci-fi film, and nobody knows exactly how or when it will be resolved. Everyone is experiencing a tremendous amount of stress and other difficult emotions, and almost everyone is having at least some trouble functioning.

Expecting yourself to act as if the extra free time were a nice gift is just not realistic.

However, people tend to hold unrealistic expectations about how they should be functioning during this surreal time, and then become critical and frustrated with themselves when they don’t meet those expectations. Ironically, many people think that this self-criticism and frustration is beneficial, as they think these reactions will motivate them to “improve” their behavior.

Reality is actually the opposite.

Harsh self-criticism and judgments just lead to increased stress and additional negative emotions (such as shame, hopelessness, and despair). If a person already has trouble functioning with their current levels of stress and negative emotions, that person is going to have even more trouble functioning once the stress and negative emotions increase.

In other words, your self-critical reactions can become a vicious cycle. The more you judge yourself for not functioning up to your expectations, the more difficulty you will have functioning at all. And so on.

So what’s the solution? I’m not advocating giving up all goals and just floating through the rest of this pandemic with no effort. Instead, I encourage you to:

1. Work to modify your expectations based on these unprecedented circumstances.

a. There’s not only one “right” way to cope during this time. On some days, a realistic expectation might simply be just to survive one more day.

2. Work to be patient and compassionate with yourself when you do have trouble functioning. Remind yourself that:

a. Almost everyone is having at least some difficulty coping at the moment.

b. Criticizing and judging yourself will only increase the stress and negative emotions, which will leave you feeling less motivated and even less able to function adaptively.

c. The way you’re functioning in this unprecedented, once-in-a-lifetime situation is not predictive of how you will function once the pandemic subsides.

It’s not going to be easy, and (surprise, surprise) all of your guilt and self-criticism won’t suddenly disappear. But I urge you to at least consider working on the above.

One important point: I don’t want to minimize the fact that some people’s situations are more dire than others’, often through no fault of their own. However, as unfair as that is, it still doesn’t change the facts that a) almost everyone is having at least some trouble dealing with the current crisis, and b) judging oneself based on some unrealistic ideal of the “correct” way to function will just increase the stress and impede the ability to function.

My next post will discuss potential strategies for coping during this crisis. Foreshadowing: None of the strategies are the “right” or “best” way to cope for everyone, and none will make your stress disappear. (You won’t turn into a lab-altered superhuman.)

In summary of this post: If you have difficulty letting go of your self-judgments, just ask yourself:

What is your goal during the COVID-19 pandemic?

Is your goal to be tough on yourself while increasing your stress and decreasing your perceived ability to function? Or is your goal to get through the crisis as effectively as possible, even if it means that you may experience some bumps (or mountains) along the way?

If the latter, then remember:

♦ Working to be patient and compassionate toward yourself does not mean that you need to give up all expectations or stop working toward goals.

♦ Instead, it means that you will likely be more effective—and less stressed—if you:

• remind yourself that the world is in the middle of an unprecedented event,

• remind yourself that most people are having at least some trouble functioning, and

• give yourself some leeway when you don’t achieve what you expect to achieve or feel what you expect to feel. You’re not the only one.

 

Source: Psychology today

How to help children through the COVID-19 crisis

Published on by Coach Benjamin MizrahiLeave a comment

As the world works to contain the spread of COVID-19, parents and caregivers are having to juggle the needs of children who are home from school while often working to financially support their families. This pandemic is unprecedented in its scale and reach and it is dominating the news and the dinner table as families adapt to new information and safety measures. The changes we’re experiencing can be especially stressful for the young people in our lives.

1. Be aware of common reactions to crisis

Each child is unique in how he or she responds to frightening events. Some children may become more quiet or withdrawn, while others may become irritable or act out to get more attention. Many kids will begin acting younger by sucking their thumb or clinging to parents. It’s important to remember that these are all normal reactions to times of uncertainty and to respond in a calm and caring way.

2. Be prepared to deal with fears and worries

Common childhood fears may intensify after a crisis. Kids are often more afraid of the dark and being alone. Sleep problems and physical symptoms such as stomachaches and headaches become more frequent, especially for younger children who cannot verbalize their feelings. You can help children soothe themselves by reading stories, playing gentle music, giving back rubs and serving comfort foods. They need to be reassured with both words and hugs.

3. Create a sense of safety

Because children will feel vulnerable and overwhelmed, it’s important to initially focus on being protective and offering them physical comforts — blankets, favorite foods, calming activities — to restore their sense of security. Spending extra time together as a family is a refuge to kids in times of uncertainty.

4. Limit exposure to news

Don’t rely on the news to give your child the information they’re looking for. Sounds and images from news reports are often too vivid for children and make them internalize the trauma even more. It’s important to clarify their confusion and give honest answers, but stick to the basic facts and follow up with the reassurance that their safety is the most important thing to you.

5. Take time to listen

Make sure children have the opportunity to express their feelings and concerns. Asking open-ended questions (“What news did you hear? How do you feel? Do you have any questions?”) allows them to identify their needs. Actively listen without correcting or minimizing their emotions and follow up with clear statements of reassurance.

6. Encourage writing and drawing about the experience

Some kids may not feel like talking, so provide other ways for them to express themselves. Writing and drawing pictures can help kids deal with what’s troubling them. Use these as an opportunity to remind them that it’s okay to feel the way they do; you can help by continuing to listen and accepting where they are emotionally throughout the healing process.

7. Remember to play

Play is every child’s natural form of communicating and processing events. Kids can tell stories about what they’ve heard and how they feel, even if they don’t fully comprehend it. It’s also a healthy distraction from difficult circumstances and provides an outlet to relieve pent-up energy and stress.

8. Model healthy coping skills

Your kids will look to you not only for reassurance, but how to deal with their own complicated emotions. Allow yourself enough private time to process what you’re going through so you have the resources to be there for them. But don’t feel like you need to hide signs of distress all the time — should your children see you get upset, you can be an example by telling them that you may be feeling sad right now, but you have ways to help yourself feel better soon.

9. Monitor behavior over time

While it is normal for children’s behavior to change in response to crisis, symptoms of stress can become problematic if they linger. Simply keep an eye on changes in their sleeping, eating, playing, studying and socializing; if there are no improvements over time, reach out to a professional for help.

10. Inspire a positive response

Kids need to rediscover a sense of personal empowerment and resilience after an event very much out of their control. Help them direct their feelings constructively and consider what they can do to help others. One way kids can help is through supporting local and global organizations providing relief during this crisis. . Having them write a card, or volunteer along with family not only gives them something positive to focus on, but sets the tone for giving back through anything life brings.

We hope these tips are helpful as you and your children navigate this stressful time and adapt to our new normal during the COVID-19 crisis.