Children are cute when naughty. A few tantrums, arguments, and yelling occasionally is not abnormal. But if such behavior becomes a daily occurrence, then it is a cause for concern.
When your three-year-old daughter talks back to you, it may seem funny and adorable. But when your seven-year-old girl shouts out a ‘no’ every time you tell her to do something, it can get on your nerves. If not handled properly, backtalk can lead to arguments between parents and children.
So, what do you do?
If your child talks back but follows your instructions, then ignore it. Ignoring backtalk may be okay if the behavior is not threatening or destructive. If the child follows instructions, even though he talks back, appreciate that they did what you asked, even if they didn’t want to. You can then explain that it is okay to be angry, but not okay to speak to you disrespectfully.
But if the child’s responses are threatening others or self, then you need to pay attention to what they say and handle it carefully. Do not respond impulsively. Let the child calm down and then address what he or she said. Tell them calmly about what behavior is acceptable and what is not.
Set limits and make them aware of the consequences. Do not threaten, just state plain facts that if they talk back, they won’t get ice cream or go to the movie. For example, tell them if they continue to yell and shout, then they will have to forgo the dinner. However, if they stop shouting and listen to you, then they will get something nice for dinner. Such give-and-take will look less controlling but giving the option to the child themselves.
Set expectations, but you can be a little flexible sometimes if it makes them happy.
Finally, take a quick check of how you behave with the kids or others when the kids are around. Are you rude or disrespectful? If yes, you need to start by changing your behavior.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Studies have proven that the child’s executive functions between age 3 and 11 are predictive of physical health and mental health, future earnings, and even marital harmony.
Bottom line is if you want your child to eventually find and keep a job in the future, be a dependable and happy adult, then you need to care about their Executive Functions.
Here’s how you can help your child build up these muscles, gaining more control over their ADHD symptoms and taking strides toward independence along the way.
1. Enforce Accountability
The problem with ADHD is not with failure to understand consequences; it’s with timing. The first step is to not excuse her from accountability. If anything, make her more accountable — show her you have faith in her abilities by expecting her to do what is needed.
2. Write It Down
Compensate for working memory deficits by making information visible, using notes cards, signs, sticky notes, lists, journals, anything at all! Once your child can see the information right in front of him, it’ll be easier to jog his executive functions and help him build his working memory.
3. Make Time External
Make time a physical, measurable thing by using clocks, timers, counters, or apps — there are tons of options! Helping your child see how much time has passed, how much is left, and how quickly it’s passing is a great way to beat that classic ADHD struggle, “time blindness.”
4. Offer Rewards
Use rewards to make motivation external. It’s best to create artificial forms of motivation, like token systems or daily report cards. Reinforcing long- term goals with short-term rewards strengthens a child’s sense of self-motivation.
5. Make Learning Hands On
Using jellybeans or colored blocks to teach simple adding and subtracting or utilizing word magnets to work on sentence structure — helps children reconcile their verbal and non-verbal working memories and build their executive functions in the process.
6. Stop to Refuel
Give your child a chance to refuel by encouraging frequent breaks during tasks that stress the executive system. Breaks work best if they’re 3 to 10 minutes long and can help your child get the fuel, they need to tackle an assignment without getting distracted and losing track.
7. Practice Pep Talks
Teach your child to pump herself up by practicing saying, “You can do this!” Positive self-statements push kids to try harder and put them one step closer to accomplishing their goals. Visualizing success and talking themselves through the steps needed to achieve it is another great way to replenish the system and boost planning skills.
8. Get Physical
Routine physical exercise throughout the week can help refuel and help him cope better with his ADHD symptoms.
9. Sip on Sugar (Yes, Really)
The glucose in these drinks fuels the frontal lobe, where the executive functions come from. The operative word here is “sip” — just a little should be able to keep your child’s blood glucose up enough to get the job done.
10. Show Compassion
It’s important that the people in their lives especially parents show compassion and willingness to help them learn. When your child messes up, don’t go straight to yelling. Try to understand what went wrong and how you can help him learn from his mistake.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
We want the best nutrition for our kids, but our daily pleas to “Eat your vegetables” seem to fall on deaf ears, or worse yet result in a tantrum or other power struggle. Can we really convince our children to make smart food choices and eat healthy without seeming like a wicked witch?
Here’s how to get kids to eat healthy by using these three tips:
Control the cupboard by stocking it with healthy choices. It’s much easier for your kids to make smart snacking decisions when the unhealthy foods are not in the house. Keep your pantry full of your children’s favorite fruits, vegetables, and other wholesome foods right at an eye level and leave the sweet stuff on the store shelves.
Offer options as you plan your meals, letting your kids have some say in what they’ll be eating. Chicken or fish? Peas or carrots?
Avoid the arguments that lead to power struggles over food. However much we beg, bribe, or outright demand, can force our kids to eat. On the contrary, these efforts actually encourage our kids to wage dinnertime battles by rewarding them with attention. Remove that payoff by letting your child know in advance that you won’t respond to his refusal to eat, and that you also won’t be giving him more food until the next scheduled snack or meal – even if it’s breakfast. He won’t starve overnight, but next dinnertime, he will remember the consequence of not eating.
With a little planning and cooperation, your family will be on the Yellow-Brick Road to healthier eating habits and fewer mealtime fights.
We always want what’s best for our kids. However, when dealing with children who are chronically anxious, it’s a bit more challenging. It will be absolutely disheartening to cause them even the teensiest bit of suffering, right?
Here are a few tips for helping our kiddos when they’re anxious:
🧹 HELP THEM CLEAN UP THEIR SPACE.
Rearranging spaces can help keep them occupied and feel productive.
🧍♂🧍♀ TELL THEM TO STAND UP STRAIGHT.
Many of us take this for granted, but posture plays a major role in improving one’s mood and esteem. Simply standing up straight may help your kids feel better about themselves.
🗒 ENCOURAGE THEM TO KEEP A JOURNAL.
This works both for your kids and for you as well. Sometimes, there’s so much going on in our heads that we can’t put them into words. Putting them in writing can help you and your kids gain control over the emotions.
🕯 LIGHT A CANDLE UP.
Just the sight of a candle flame helps us get into a meditative state. What more if the candles we use are scented? Some amazing scents to choose from that can help relax both the body and the mind are lavender, orange, lemon, peppermint, frankincense, and sandalwood. Just remember to keep it out of reach of your little ones and to blow out any candles that may be left unattended.
📵 PUT THE PHONES ASIDE AND CONNECT.
This works for both parents and children. Set your phones aside for a few minutes and TALK. It will help reduce anxiety and serve as a bonding moment as well.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
As parents, the way we speak to our children is incredibly important. Words can build kids up, and they can just as easily tear them down. Which is why finding positive things to say to your child matters!
In a world were saying “no” is a heck of a lot easier than saying “yes”, we need to be especially careful that we use language which demonstrates to our kids that positivity has a higher value than negativity.
Children imitate what they see and hear. Meaning, they will imitate kindness if kind words are spoken at home.
Show your child you believe in them by using words of encouragement daily. It helps kids feel supported and loved and gives them a sense of empowerment that will stick with them into adulthood.
By making a habit of using positive phrases around your little ones you’ll be building their confidence and self-esteem
Here are the positive phrases to usedaily to help them feel confident and loved.
Outside is a good place for being loud (No Shouting Inside the House!)
Let’s try to breathe through these yucky feelings (Calm Down, Stop Crying, No Whining)
Let’s use kind words, please (Don’t say that, don’t talk like that)
Shoes are for your feet, remember? (Stop throwing your shoes around the house)
Why don’t you ask if you can use it when he is finished or You really want to play with that, don’t you? What could you say to her instead?’ (No fighting!)
It’s windy outside today, let’s check the weather and see if tomorrow is good to take a walk (No, we can’t walk today)
Your toy car will be waiting for you at home when we are all finished with our grocery shopping (No, you can’t bring your toy car)
Let’s play at the park a different day, today we have so many other things we need to get done and I need your help! (No park today)
Remember to walk in the house, please (No running in the house!)
If we eat all the popsicles in one day, there won’t be any left for tomorrow. And if you have too many, your tummy might get sore! Let’s save some for tomorrow. (No more popsicles)
There are a few more things that we need to do before we can watch a show, let’s go do them now and I’ll put on your favorite show right after. (No TV right now)
Are you feeling frustrated when the boxes fall? How can you solve this problem? (Stop crying, they are just boxes)
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
A gentle reminder: Not every emotion needs an explanation. It seems fitting after two days of sharing scripts to share this reminder. Words are helpful and if we are consciously engaging with our child and ourselves, scripts can help us understand the framework from which we want to parent and shift our mindset. And yet, words can also be our crutches. Words can be what we use to prevent us from engaging with what is happening in the present moment. Words can keep our anxiety at bay. If we are predominantly left-brained, words and logic are what feels comfortable and safe. We want to understand, rationalize, analyze, and get to the root of our child’s emotions. Naming the emotion. Validating the emotion. Trying to help our child uncover the root of the emotion. All very valuable! But we may miss the opportunity to teach our child another valuable lesson: emotions are not a part of us, we can experience them, notice them, and let them go. While this language is too sophisticated for a toddler, the goal is integration. Integrate the left and the right brain. As parents this means that our presence is more important than any words we share with our child. Empathy is communicated by our presence and body language, not only our words. When your child is experiencing an emotion, pause and notice: How is your breathing? What facial expressions are you communicating? What are your body movements communicating? Worth noting: if we are predominantly right brained and tend to get stuck in our emotions or our child’s emotions, integrating the left-brain or logic and reason is the goal. What about you, are you predominantly left ⬅ or right ➡ brained?
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Parenting is an ongoing journey, and parents need to keep enriching and educating themselves as their child grows from an innocent baby into a mature adult.
Life is in a constant flux and many parenting skills or practices from your childhood, or those you may have picked up along the way in dealing with your child, could now be considered outdated or unsuitable for the stage your child is in. For example, fear-based methods of parenting were popular in the past, but nowadays, most experts agree that these methods are ineffective and that getting children to self-regulate is best.
While the basics are similar across different ages, the approach used should be tailored to each individual child to suit his age and stage of development. Stay abreast of current parenting practices and any other knowledge related to parenting and child health.
Do stay on top of things by monitoring what influences your child’s thoughts and/or behaviors. This includes the friends he spends time with, his use of the internet and social media, the type of entertainment or reading materials he enjoys, as well as how he spends his leisure time.
As your child grows and matures, you should be able to gradually give less and less supervision and guidance. Continue to be there for her whenever she needs you but let her have the freedom to approach problems with her own solutions.
The thought of your child growing up and becoming independent too quickly may seem scary. Parenting is never stagnant, nor does it end when your child grows up into an adult.
The most important skill any parent needs is communication. Remember to communicate often with your spouse and your child. This is often the best method to gain feedback on how effective your parenting methods or strategies have been. Nevertheless, don’t ignore problems either, especially if there are long-standing issues that cannot be managed despite your best efforts. This could be due to a child’s developmental issues that may require professional assistance.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Wander any playground or mall, and at some point, you are likely to observe a parent coaching her child to take deep breaths in and out to calm herself down or directing her to “use her words” versus hitting, kicking, or grabbing. These are indeed good parenting strategies for helping children learn to manage and express their emotions in healthy ways, a critical but not easy task.
It is important to tune in to and manage our feelings, because how we react in these moments deeply affects our children’s ability for self-regulation, self-control, and overall emotional health far into the future. Research (and real life) shows that when parents react harshly and with emotional intensity, children’s distress tends to escalate and, whatever the problem at hand, it is less likely to get resolved.
Here are some strategies that can help:
👉 Tune in to your feelings.
Tuning in to your feelings allows you to make a conscious decision—instead of a knee-jerk reaction—about how best to respond. In this case, it might mean taking some deep breaths to clear your head, then calmly telling your child that you know she is disappointed, but it’s not possible to always go first and that she will be okay communicating confidence in her ability to cope.
Remaining calm allows you to stay connected with your child rather than increasing her distress by experiencing an emotional break with you; she feels understood, not shamed, which makes her more open to accepting the limit being set; and when you react calmly, it decreases the stress hormone in her own brain, which helps her calm down more quickly.
Staying calm also results in a lot less remorse for having lost control, and many fewer nights going to bed feeling like all you did that day was yell and stress out your kids—a common and painful experience for many parents.
👉 Do the unexpected.
This can reduce the stress and tension of the situation and doing something totally unexpected can also put a stop to the unwanted behavior. This is not coddling or giving in.
If your child is telling you he hates you because you won’t let him have 5 more minutes to play (and he hasn’t finished his game yet! he just needs 5 MORE MINUTES!) and you approach him with a bear hug while saying, “It looks like you need a big mommy hug,” you are letting him know you hear his frustration and empathize with it. You are not giving him five more minutes which would be “coddling” or rescuing him from having to cope with a limit he doesn’t like.
It may surprise you how this can turn the tides doing the opposite of what he expects when he is in a provocative mode. Or don’t respond to his “bait” and just turn on some music and start to do a silly dance, all the way to the dinner table you are trying to transition him to. Simply say, “Join me,” and move along. It may sound hokey, but it can be very effective—and again relieve both his stress and yours.
👉 Give yourself a time-out.
It allows you to remain present even in the face of the negative emotional intensity these situations often arouse. It also serves as a very powerful role-modeling for your child on how to manage strong emotions—exactly what you are trying to teach him. This gets you out of a reactive state and gives you time to think about the meaning of your child’s behavior and what you want him to learn from the experience. It’s much more likely you will come up with a response that sets the limit or guides your child’s behavior while remaining nurturing.
Managing strong negative emotions is surely much easier said than done. But it’s worth the effort, because the payoff is huge, for you and your child.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Is your kid feeling extra nervous, extra clingy, next level melting down in new situations or small social gatherings? A friendly neighbor saying hi, going to Grandma’s house, going back to school? Shoot, my girl was even terrified melting down over a new slide she wanted to try but was too nervous to go down. Maybe your child has always been the nervous/shy type, or maybe COVID has brought on a totally new nervous/scared/shy side to your normally outgoing kid. Listen, we all want outgoing, social, brave kids. We’ve seen them laugh and play with kids before, and we KNOW they can do it! But not all kids feel comfortable in social situations right away, especially if it’s been a while since they’ve been in social situations. Sometimes, it takes them a moment to get comfortable – and THAT’S OK.
Real talk: it takes us a while to get comfortable in new/social situations as adults too. So, when your kid is in a new situation, or a social situation, and is clinging to you, or crying or whining, it can be REALLY tempting to push them into the situation. As an adult, we can objectively see: “this IS NO BIG DEAL, we do this all the time! Nothing is even happening; you’re going to love it!!!!!!” But when we pressure them to get in there and play sooner than they’re ready to, they’ll only end up feeling MORE overwhelmed and MORE nervous. They’ll cling to your leg even harder and longer. So instead, to get your kid over the nervous hump, and into confident mode: Let them feel exactly how they feel – without pushing them- and assure them that they have our support. In doing this, we increase their comfort level a million times over. And with that comfort, comes the confidence to get out there and play, to get out there and do the new thing.
Be their safe person. Be their homebase. Validate those feelings and encourage them to trust themselves.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
When it comes to family life, everyone strives to figure out how the relationship between parents and children can become ideal. Positive parenting techniques work well for raising children with discipline and good moral values and are every parents’ dream. However, it is not an easy feat. And it is important to know that the parent child relationship is a two-way street, in other words, it is a partnership between a parent and their child.
A garden with different flowers becomes beautiful when it blossoms. Similarly, if parents learn how to be a ‘gardener’ and can recognize their child’s personality and nourish it, then their ‘garden’ will become fragrant! This is what positive parenting is all about!
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Help your child become happier, more confident, and more empathetic by teaching them healthy ways to express their feelings.
Amid worrying about our kids’ academic success, it’s easy to lose sight of their emotional development. But research suggests a child’s emotional intelligence is every bit as important as reading, writing, and ‘arithmetic. Why? Because kids with a high emotional intelligence have mastered the other three Rs: responsibility, resilience, and respect.
Since they’ve developed more coping skills, these kids are more able to control their emotions and behavior when things don’t go their way. This in turn makes them happier, more self-confident, and more respectful of others. Not surprisingly, children with a high EQ (or emotional quotient) also tend to do better in school. They pay attention, easily take in information, stay motivated, and get along with teachers and classmates.
Is this just a matter of inborn temperament? Perhaps in some cases, yes. But research shows emotional intelligence can be taught. Students who have gone through school-based EQ training average 11 percentile points higher on academic test scores. As a parent, you can also teach your kid to handle challenging emotions like anger, sadness, and frustration. From books and toys to family games, here are five creative ways to help your child become an EQ whiz kid.
👉 Play the “What-if” game
During family car rides or as a conversation starter at the dinner table, the “What would you do if…?” game gets kids thinking about ways to respond to different situations. Ask questions that encourage your child to behave with more emotional smarts: “What would you do if you saw someone grab a toy away from your friend? Or if I blamed you for something you didn’t do? Or if your brother hit you for no reason?”
Asking these questions when emotions aren’t running high gives your child a chance to come up with ideas on how to best respond – and for you to offer some ideas of your own. Since you can tailor questions to fit your child’s age, this works for younger and older kids alike.
👉 That’s emo-tainment!
Don’t tell the kids, but books and movies can be more than just entertainment. San Francisco-based childhood social skills teacher Dominique Baudry says that reading books and watching movies with children present ideal opportunities to talk about emotions and behavior. ” When reading together, ask your child, ‘What do you think he’s feeling?’ Talk about a character’s motive and intention. ‘Why do you think he did that?””
Similarly, after watching a movie together, ask your child why a character was angry, frustrated, sad, or excited. These conversations all present an opportunity to expand “emotional literacy,” so that children get used to talking about why people behave the way they do and how they might have responded differently. What’s more, doing this with make-believe characters makes it that much easier for kids to be emotionally fluent when talking about their own emotions – which is the whole idea.
👉 Read it with feeling
Not only can you use stories as a launching pad to discuss feelings, but you can also get books that address emotions directly. One of the best “I’m feeling bad!” books for young kids: When Sophie Gets Angry – Really Really Angry. As happens with many children, Sophie’s anger is too much for her and her family: She rages, kicks, and screams. To find her way out of her overwhelming emotions, Sophie takes time to be alone and calm down, then returns to her family more cheerful and encouraged.
👉 Give everyone a do-over
Admit it: When parents – and kids – get angry enough, they yell or throw tantrums. Angry outbursts make everyone in the family feel terrible and usually solve nothing. It is recommended that all family members should be allowed a chance to have a “do-over.”
Anyone in the family is allowed to say, ‘That came out really mean. I’m going to do a do-over. Here’s what I wanted to say.’ Do-overs allow kids and grownups a way to gain more self-awareness by practicing less hurtful ways of expressing difficult emotions. Allowing for do-overs lets the whole family help one another try again in a kinder, better way. It’s also a very kind way to cut each other some slack.
👉 Work on playing
With less free playtime at and after school, kids today have fewer chances to practice the social skills that are important for learning emotional intelligence and dealing with difficult issues like bullying. Give your child as many opportunities as possible for unstructured, cooperative and imaginative play with siblings and other kids. Building a fort, putting on a play or a variety show or playing ‘restaurant’ or ‘barber shop’ together give kids lots of opportunities to practice communicating their desires and resolving conflicts.
As your child grows older, talk about real-life situations—whether it’s things they’re encountering in their daily life or it’s a problem you’re reading about in the news. Make it an ongoing conversation. Use your child’s mistakes as opportunities to grow better. When they act out because they’re angry or they hurt someone’s feelings, take time to talk about how they can do better in the future. With your ongoing support and guidance, your child can develop the emotional intelligence and mental strength they’ll need to succeed in life.
EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONS COACHING 