Set Limits with Love Not Fear

Criticism by loved ones is sadly one of the most common problems faced by gentle and positive parents. 
 
Are you ever told to follow authoritarian parenting practices that invoke fear in children? Spankings. Threats of punishment. Solitary time-outs. 
 
Many well-meaning parents resort to and insist on authoritarian parenting because sometimes fear of punishment CAN stop a behavior in the *short-term*. 
 
But in the long run, it can result in kids feeling resentful, seeking revenge, or just feeling discouraged and down on themselves. These outcomes can ultimately lead to some negative behaviors in the long haul. Then, the cycle continues! 
 
Positive discipline is *not* the easy way out. It’s HARD work. 💪🏽 
 
By opting out of bribes, threats, and punishments, we can empower our children to understand the rationale behind positive decision-making. 💞 
 
This takes TIME. ⏰ It takes growing through mistakes. But it also results in fostering an internal motivation to do the right and kind thing.  

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.   

More articles on www.MrMizrahi.blog  

Why Parenting Style Matters When Raising Children with ADHD

Parenting style matters in ADHD. Parenting does not cause ADHD, but different methods tend to be more effective and more likely to minimize symptoms. 

What improves behavior for kids with ADHD? Emotionally supportive but consistently firm parenting. Behavioral improvement happens when parents: 

  • take the lead, 
  • stick by new systems, and 
  • remain patient with their children. 

Change Begins with You 

You didn’t cause the ADHD, but you do impact the outcome. Studies show that support aimed at parents helps ADHD symptoms more than when therapists work only with children. You’ve always done the best you can, and there’s always something new to learn and try. The balancing act is being open to change, while also accepting that you (like all of us) haven’t been perfect before. 

Stick to the Basics of Positive Parenting 

Where other children may respond well to a wide range of parenting styles, children with ADHD require parents to more consistently stick to the basics. All children need supports until they have the capacity to monitor their own behavior, create their own routines, and manage their own responsibilities. Children with ADHD require this framework for several years more than their peers. 

As a parent of a child with ADHD, you’re being held to a high standard. You are expected to stay positive in the face of slow progress when a child does not consistently do what you think is best. And yet, ADHD-related behaviors require near-constant correction for some kids, creating a background hum of “don’t touch that, don’t run into the street, get back over here and finish your dinner.” What follows is a tough-to-break cycle of negativity. 

Yet parenting that leans too far in the punitive direction may exacerbate ADHD-related behaviors in the long haul.  Instead, a balance can be found where a parent firmly upholds limits while creating an overall home environment that seeks out and emphasizes the child’s successes.  

Set Fair & Reasonable Expectations for Yourself 

Skillful parenting often comes from recognizing when you need outside support. Working with someone to address your own concerns or improve your marriage can make a huge difference for your children. Getting training and working with a coach or therapist provides skills and strategies. Practical tools support behavioral change and can help you build your own confidence and resilience. 

Setting realistic expectations for you and your children is also vital. You cannot do everything “right” as a parent, or depend on a uniform, cookie-cutter approach to “fixing” life, since there is no one perfect solution. Instead, you can cultivate your own balance and wisdom, which allow you to manage family life to the best of your ability. Practicing mindfulness is one way to do this; Impact ADHD’s regular “Self-Care Tips” for parents is another. 
 

Pay attention to your parenting style and find a match that works for you and your children. The fact that parenting influences ADHD may seem like a burden, but it can be an opportunity to take life in a new direction.

 

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.   

More articles on www.MrMizrahi.blog  

     

Stop Ignoring, Start Interpreting for Better Discipline

Guess what? The nagging and yelling aren’t working. Learn how to keep words to a minimum, nix harsh punishments, and develop a more positive approach to navigating ADHD with your child.  

Like all kids, children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) sometimes make bad choices regarding their own behavior. No surprise there. But to make matters worse, parents could often use a few parenting tips themselves, and err in the way they discipline misbehavior. Instead of using firm, compassionate discipline, they move into what I call the ignore –nag-yell-punish cycle.  

First, the parent pretends not to notice the child’s bad behavior, hoping that it will go away on its own. Of course, this seldom works, so next the parent tries to urge the child not to do such and such. Next, the parent starts yelling and scolding. When this doesn’t produce the desired result, the parent becomes extremely angry and imposes harsh punishments. I think of this fourth stage as the parent’s temper tantrum.  

This four-part strategy (if you could call it that) isn’t just ineffective. It makes life needlessly unpleasant for every member of the family. 

How can you avoid it? As with any other pitfall, simply being aware of it will help you steer clear of it. At the first sign of starting on the wrong path, you can stop what you’re doing and make a conscious decision to try something else. Take an honest look at how you respond when your children misbehave. What specific situations are likely to cause you to go down this path? How far down the path do you typically proceed? How often? 

Let’s examine the ignore-nag-yell-punish strategy more closely to see why it doesn’t work – and come up with some strategies that do. 

Why Ignoring Doesn’t Work 

By ignoring your child’s misbehavior, you send the message that you neither condone nor support his misbehavior. At least that’s the message you hope to send.  

In fact, your child may read your silence as “I won’t give you my attention or concern” or even “I reject you.” That can wound a child. On the other hand, your child may assume that your silence means that you approve of his behavior or will at least tolerate it. “Mom hasn’t said I can’t do this,” he thinks, “so it must be OK.” 

Even if your child correctly interprets the message that you’re trying to send by ignoring him, he has no idea what you want him to do instead. In other words, ignoring your child doesn’t define better behavior or provide guidance about how your child should behave next time.  

Instead of ignoring him when he does something you disapprove of, I recommend another “i-word”: interrupting. That is, quickly move people or objects so that your child is unable to misbehave. 

For example, if your children start quarreling over a toy, you might say, “Alex, sit over there. Maria, stand here. I’ll take this and put it up here.” Similarly, if your teen comes for supper with dirty hands, immediately take his plate off the table and silently point to his hands if you feel the need to tell your child what you expect of him, tell him once, very clearly. Then stop talking.  

Don’t Be a Nag 

Why is it important to keep words to a minimum when disciplining your child? Because, as I often remind parents, words are like tires. Each time they rotate against the pavement, they lose tread and become less efficient at starting, stopping, and steering. If you spin words out endlessly, they’ll become less efficient at starting, stopping, and steering your child. Eventually, your words will have no “traction” at all – as tires will eventually become bald. 

If the chatterbox parent is ineffective, so is the parent who barks orders like a drill sergeant. To break the yelling habit, tell yourself that you won’t open your mouth until you’re calm enough to speak at a normal volume and in a cordial tone. Often, all it takes to calm down is to spend a few minutes alone – something as simple as excusing yourself to get a glass of water may do the trick. 

Taking time to cool off will also help you avoid the last and most counterproductive element of ignore-nag-yell-punish. 

Punishment vs. Undoing and Redoing 

Parents often assume that by punishing a misbehaving child, they’re helping to build the child’s conscience. Not so. In most cases, harsh punishments, like spanking, simply encourage a child to become sneaky to not get caught next time.  

A better approach is to impose consequences that are appropriate to the offense and respectful of your child. Ideally, the consequence you impose for a particular misbehavior will involve undoing or redoing the situation. The consequence for carelessly spilling milk for example, might be that your child cleans up the mess (undoing), and, then pours another glass and sets it in a safer place (redoing). No need to blame or yell. No need to impose harsh punishments (for example, withholding food).  

If you’re careful to recognize your first steps down the ignore-nag-yell-punish path – and to substitute the strategies I’ve described – you’ll find yourself on a different path, one that leads to a better relationship with your child. It’s a trip I highly recommend.  

Tips for Helping Children with ADHD Deal with Aggression

Kids with ADHD tend to have outbursts more often than other kids their age. Most of the time, these flare-ups aren’t threatening. Kids might yell or slam doors. But sometimes, they lose control and become aggressive. 

Here are five tips on how to curb the aggression of a child with ADHD and ODD. 
 
1. Cut down on electronics. For kids with ADHD, too much screen time can make symptoms worse. Set a timer or limit the number of hours of electronic use per day (the suggested amount of time is no more than two hours for the entire day). During the periods of the day when you child would have been streaming a TV program, offer alternatives – go out for a walk, cook together or try out a new activity once a week. 
 

2. Teach your child compromise and negotiation skills. Kids with ADHD have difficulty being flexible and compromising. Adapting to new situations and rules they’re not accustomed to isn’t a pleasant activity for them. Establish a set of “rules.”   

 

3. Help your child express his or her emotions positively. Kids who learn how to express their emotions in a healthy way grow up to be supportive of others, perform better in school, have better relationships with partners and peers, have better coping skills, and have an overall healthier sense of self. 
 

4. Show your child stability and structure. Children with ADHD need structure and routine. Daily routines and a predictable, organized schedule help make your child feel safe. Maintain consistent house rules. Remind your child of your expectations and the consequences of not meeting those expectations.

   

5. Exercise. Exercise is a fantastic activity for anyone, even for kids without an attention disorder. But for kids with ADHD, it’s particularly helpful. Science has proven that exercise is a great way for kids to unleash and unwind; it’s also a way to work out any feelings of anger and frustration. 

 

Experts say that even 30 minutes of vigorous exercise per day can help kids with ADHD manage their moods. It can even decrease or eliminate the need for medications that are prescribed to aid in symptom management. It’s also an excellent way of reducing aggression. 

 

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.   

More articles on www.MrMizrahi.blog  

Teaching Strategies to Help Kids with ADHD

Children with ADHD have more than the ordinary amount of trouble paying attention and controlling impulsive behavior. 

Students who have ADHD have above average IQs, but experience difficulty in the classroom which may lead to lower grades or other problems. 

Here are the tips and teaching methods for teachers and parents to assist students with ADHD. 

1. Break instructions down into smaller parts. 

Giving one piece of directions at a time is helpful for kids with ADHD. This helps students stay focused on one task at a time and helps maintain focus through the class period.  

2. Give written directions. 

Students with ADHD may not remember lengthy oral directions. Provide written directions that allow students to refer to them when needed. Having directions accessible while completing an assignment ensures students stay on track. 

3. Check student work early and often. 

It is very frustrating for students to have to redo assignments! It can contribute to the common problem of taking hours each day to do homework. Checking classwork and homework a few minutes after beginning a task provides the opportunity to redirect efforts – whether it be because the student misunderstood directions or needs a little more math help! 

4. Use patterns and mnemonics. 

Learning patterns in math makes it easier to understand and remember concepts. Mnemonics are memory devices, like “don’t miss Susie’s boat” to remember how to do long division (divide, multiply, subtract, bring down). Anything that seems to make math easier and faster helps kids with ADHD focus better. 

5. Provide real-life examples. 

Real-life examples can make math concepts come alive for all students including those with ADHD. 

Telling time and making change with money are examples of ways for younger students to understand basic concepts with real-life context. 

6. Use technology and visuals for math help. 

Charts and graphs are a great way to assist kids with ADHD to remember the steps needed for complex calculations. Computers and smartboards also help students interact with the material in different ways. This can affect transfer from short-term to long-term memory. 

 

 

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.   

More articles on www.MrMizrahi.blog  

   

 

 

 

How to Raise Well Mannered Children

Tip #1:  Have Clear Expectations 

Children thrive if parents can have clear expectations for behavior and enforce those standards consistently. Determine what your expectations for your kids are on everything from how they perform at school to curfews, household chores and even things like using profanity and what their bedtime is during the school year. Be specific and then make the consequences equally as clear.  

Tip #2:  Model Appropriate Behavior 

Remember that you always have an audience when your kids are in your presence. We’re human so we’re going to get irritated and speak harshly or display a temper now and then, but just as soon as it happens and you catch yourself, stop and apologize in front of your kids. By explaining why you’re sorry to your kids, you demonstrate that we need to be held accountable for our action.  

Tip #3: Be Affectionate Often 

When a child hears phrases like “I love you,” or “How’s it going?” or notices that you stopped what you’re doing when she enters the room and is greeted with a loving smile, it means the world to a child.  When you display affection to your kids and other family members, you’re validating to them how important they are to you, which sends the best positive message you could ever deliver.  

Tip #4: Teach Problem Solving 

When kids are exposed to problems that allow them to be part of the solution, it builds important skills that will carry over into their adult life including how to manage their behaviors. 

Although kids crave structure and boundaries, they also love and need to exert their independence. As they grow, obviously they’ll have more opportunities to make more involved decisions, which in turn will aid in their problem-solving abilities. 

Tip #5:  Teach Behavior During Play Time 

Forbid name calling. Compassion starts with what’s acceptable and what’s not. Let him know that being kind to others is the rule and hurtful words are not allowed.  If you get involved right away, you are sending an important message that kindness trumps everything and that name calling is not going to happen. 

Tip #6: Request Respect 

If your kids are taught how to respect themselves and others, they will learn good coping skills for dealing with anger and frustration in appropriate ways that are not verbally or physically abusive to others.  

 

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.   

More articles on www.MrMizrahi.blog  

 

 

 

 

How to break the “Be Careful!” cycle? 

 
Toddlers love to take the most mundane things and turn them into the most anxiety provoking things ever for us parents. Real talk? How many times a day do you find yourself saying, “BE CAREFUL!!”🚨 
 
Here’s the deal, when it’s a nonstop barrage of “be careful!”, your kid either a) paralyzes in fear b) completely ignores you c) gives you a puzzled look and doesn’t ACTUALLY learn what is dangerous. 🙈 
 
When we verbalize OUR worry and anxiety to them, they internalize it. What does this mean? Their little fight-or-flight response gets triggered. 😧 
 
This is GREAT if in real danger. But, if they’re actually safe in that moment, hovering and constantly telling them to 🚨”be careful!” can signal “the world isn’t safe” and “don’t take risks!” “be hyper vigilant and on guard at all moments!” Basically, our anxieties become their anxiety. 
 
Risky play is crucial for healthy growth and development. Research shows that “parents who… encourage[d] their kids to push their limits to a greater extent had children who were less at risk of exhibiting anxiety disorder symptoms…” 
 
So, how can we break the “Be Careful” cycle? 
✨Pause, take a deep breath 
✨Does this situation present serious harm? 
✨Why does this make me uncomfortable? 
✨Is my child learning skills right now? 
 
Some situations require you to do nothing and other situations require you to help your child foster awareness or problem solve. So, we’ve now reserved the 🚨”BE CAREFUL!”🚨 for when they truly SHOULD completely stop in their tracks with fear – dangerous things like running into the road, about to burn themselves, etc. 
⁠ 
So, instead TRY THIS. Guide their awareness + problem solving skills: 
✨Bring awareness to their bodies 
“Woah! You’re practicing your balance! You’re really listening to your body! Way to go!” 
✨Notice how? 
“Notice how the water under your feet makes the rocks slippery.” 
✨Do you see? 
“Do you see that big branch up ahead?” 
✨Do you feel? 
“Do you feel how wobbly that branch is when you climb over it?” 
✨Problem solving 
“That branch up ahead is in the way, what should we do?” 

It’s important that we let our kids engage in risky or challenging play because it’s a great way for them to practice problem solving skills. Let the children know to proceed with caution, but don’t make them be afraid to fall. They need to learn how to get back up, dust themselves off, and move forward. 
 

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.   

More articles on www.MrMizrahi.blog  

6 Ways to Show Faith in Your Child

Notice the Little Things

We all just want to be seen and heard. No exceptions. 

A child’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated. 
 
Noticing the little things to your child feel like, 
 

you see their world through their eyes 
you value their creativity 
you notice their attempts 
they matter to you 

Growing kids need a lot more motivation and appreciation than we adults do. Lack of this appreciation and motivation leads to a complexity in kids. 

The formative years of our lives, shape us in a big way. When kids get enough appreciation, they develop into secure adults with healthy self-esteem. 
 
A valuable boost to a child’s self-esteem can be attained when you appreciate your child and motivate them.  

Build moments of positive connection with the little things in life.  

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.   

More articles on www.MrMizrahi.blog  

6 Ways to Show Faith in Your Child

When Your Child Hits Your Other Child

“What should I do when one child hits my other child?” ⠀⠀ 
⠀⠀ 
👉🏻When you have a child who hits/bites/kicks and another child who has been hurt and you approach the situation after it has already happened, it is important to start with the child who has been hurt. ⠀⠀ 
⠀⠀ 
💕Tell the child who did the hurting that you see them and that you will talk with them in a minute. 
⠀⠀ 
❤️This shows the child who is hurt, the outcome of their actions (causing pain to someone else). ⠀⠀ 
 
❤️Second, it shows the child who is hurt that their pain matters to you and that you see them. ⠀ 
⠀⠀ 
❤️Third, it slows you down enough so that, in the moment, you don’t make choices, which don’t align with your values of how you are going to discipline. ⠀⠀ 
⠀⠀ 
👉🏻As you slow down to respond to your hurting child, you are allowing your brain time to calm down so that you can access your own logical thinking again and approach the child who was hitting from a place of curiosity and calm. ⠀⠀ 
⠀⠀ 
❤️Once you have spent a few moments with your hurting child, you can then go to the child who hit and with curiosity try and understand what happened and what your child may need to learn so that they can get their needs met in a way that doesn’t involve hitting! ⠀ 
 
You could narrate what happened, focus on repairing the relationship, and stay curious about what skills your child may need to learn or work on for the future. 
 
This is a simplification of what happens in these moments, but we hope you find this helpful. ⠀⠀ 
⠀ 
Do you have sibling fights in your home? 

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.   

More articles on www.MrMizrahi.blog  

A Parents Job as a Role Model

As adults, our priority should be ensuring that we create an environment where children learn to respect boundaries, where they feel comfortable enough to be themselves, an environment where there is mutual respect and an environment where they feel seen and heard. 
 
Criticism at such an early age can lead to fear, guilt and shame because children are unable to unpack it. 
Guide them by modeling the behavior and values you want to see in them. 

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.   

More articles on www.MrMizrahi.blog  

What to Do After You Yell at Your Toddler?

Positive parenting is a journey that takes not only practice and patience but the ability to shift from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. 
 
A fixed mindset is about seeing the qualities of yourself, your child, and all the circumstances around us as unable to change. Whereas a growth mindset is believing that things can change with time, effort, and persistence. 
 
And once you make that shift to a growth mindset, you’re able to expand your capacity to embrace challenges, to continue through obstacles, to learn from mistakes, to seek out inspiration and other successes instead of criticizing yourself for not measuring up. That’s what’s possible when we have a growth mindset inside of parenting. 
 
So, when you’re in the heat of the moment and react in a negative way to your toddler’s behavior (like yelling or punishing), I invite you to be easy on yourself and understand that reacting that way doesn’t make you a bad parent. That it isn’t a permanent response to everything your child does in the future. That if you want to make a change, you CAN. 
 
You always have the opportunity to repair a relationship by making amends. 
 
Here’s how:   

1. Take Ownership by saying, “I felt frustrated and yelled at you.” 
2. Acknowledge the impact and say, “How was it for you? Got it. You felt sad when mommy yelled.” 
3. Apologize then say, “I’m sorry that wasn’t my intention.” 
4. Move forward by saying, “Next time, I’m going to step back and take 5 deep breaths.” 
 
Avoid beating yourself up by remembering that you are human and allowed to make mistakes. Having a growth mindset can change your whole outlook and feelings about parenting a toddler. 

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.   

More articles on www.MrMizrahi.blog  

Let’s talk about… P L A Y!

Play encourages creativity, increased dexterity, and physical, cognitive, and emotional strength!  
 
Play can lead to feelings of confidence, competence, and resilience in children!  
 
Play is POWERFUL.  

For most people, learning involves acquiring a specific new skill, such as memorizing alphabets, counting, writing, etc. They often believe that playing is only for fun and involves no actual learning. 

However, according to studies, playing is learning. Children learn through playing. 

The importance of play in early childhood cannot be underestimated because playing is essential to a child’s growth. 
 
Another added benefit of play is strengthened child-parent bonds! As a parent, consider joining your child in play. Allow your child to set the scene and take the lead – this gives you an opportunity to experience your child’s world and connect on a deeper level!  

Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.   

More articles on www.MrMizrahi.blog