Criticism by loved ones is sadly one of the most common problems faced by gentle and positive parents.
Are you ever told to follow authoritarian parenting practices that invoke fear in children? Spankings. Threats of punishment. Solitary time-outs.
Many well-meaning parents resort to and insist on authoritarian parenting because sometimes fear of punishment CAN stop a behavior in the *short-term*.
But in the long run, it can result in kids feeling resentful, seeking revenge, or just feeling discouraged and down on themselves. These outcomes can ultimately lead to some negative behaviors in the long haul. Then, the cycle continues!
Positive discipline is *not* the easy way out. It’s HARD work. 💪🏽
By opting out of bribes, threats, and punishments, we can empower our children to understand the rationale behind positive decision-making. 💞
This takes TIME. ⏰ It takes growing through mistakes. But it also results in fostering an internal motivation to do the right and kind thing.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Children thrive if parents can have clear expectations for behavior and enforce those standards consistently. Determine what your expectations for your kids are on everything from how they perform at school to curfews, household chores and even things like using profanity and what their bedtime is during the school year. Be specific and then make the consequences equally as clear.
Tip #2: Model Appropriate Behavior
Remember that you always have an audience when your kids are in your presence. We’re human so we’re going to get irritated and speak harshly or display a temper now and then, but just as soon as it happens and you catch yourself, stop and apologize in front of your kids. By explaining why you’re sorry to your kids, you demonstrate that we need to be held accountable for our action.
Tip #3: Be Affectionate Often
When a child hears phrases like “I love you,” or “How’s it going?” or notices that you stopped what you’re doing when she enters the room and is greeted with a loving smile, it means the world to a child. When you display affection to your kids and other family members, you’re validating to them how important they are to you, which sends the best positive message you could ever deliver.
Tip #4: Teach Problem Solving
When kids are exposed to problems that allow them to be part of the solution, it builds important skills that will carry over into their adult life including how to manage their behaviors.
Although kids crave structure and boundaries, they also love and need to exert their independence. As they grow, obviously they’ll have more opportunities to make more involved decisions, which in turn will aid in their problem-solving abilities.
Tip #5: Teach Behavior During Play Time
Forbid name calling. Compassion starts with what’s acceptable and what’s not. Let him know that being kind to others is the rule and hurtful words are not allowed. If you get involved right away, you are sending an important message that kindness trumps everything and that name calling is not going to happen.
Tip #6: Request Respect
If your kids are taught how to respect themselves and others, they will learn good coping skills for dealing with anger and frustration in appropriate ways that are not verbally or physically abusive to others.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Toddlers love to take the most mundane things and turn them into the most anxiety provoking things ever for us parents. Real talk? How many times a day do you find yourself saying, “BE CAREFUL!!”🚨
Here’s the deal, when it’s a nonstop barrage of “be careful!”, your kid either a) paralyzes in fear b) completely ignores you c) gives you a puzzled look and doesn’t ACTUALLY learn what is dangerous. 🙈
When we verbalize OUR worry and anxiety to them, they internalize it. What does this mean? Their little fight-or-flight response gets triggered. 😧
This is GREAT if in real danger. But, if they’re actually safe in that moment, hovering and constantly telling them to 🚨”be careful!” can signal “the world isn’t safe” and “don’t take risks!” “be hyper vigilant and on guard at all moments!” Basically, our anxieties become their anxiety.
Risky play is crucial for healthy growth and development. Research shows that “parents who… encourage[d] their kids to push their limits to a greater extent had children who were less at risk of exhibiting anxiety disorder symptoms…”
So, how can we break the “Be Careful” cycle? ✨Pause, take a deep breath ✨Does this situation present serious harm? ✨Why does this make me uncomfortable? ✨Is my child learning skills right now?
Some situations require you to do nothing and other situations require you to help your child foster awareness or problem solve. So, we’ve now reserved the 🚨”BE CAREFUL!”🚨 for when they truly SHOULD completely stop in their tracks with fear – dangerous things like running into the road, about to burn themselves, etc. So, instead TRY THIS. Guide their awareness + problem solving skills: ✨Bring awareness to their bodies “Woah! You’re practicing your balance! You’re really listening to your body! Way to go!” ✨Notice how? “Notice how the water under your feet makes the rocks slippery.” ✨Do you see? “Do you see that big branch up ahead?” ✨Do you feel? “Do you feel how wobbly that branch is when you climb over it?” ✨Problem solving “That branch up ahead is in the way, what should we do?”
It’s important that we let our kids engage in risky or challenging play because it’s a great way for them to practice problem solving skills. Let the children know to proceed with caution, but don’t make them be afraid to fall. They need to learn how to get back up, dust themselves off, and move forward.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
“What should I do when one child hits my other child?” ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ 👉🏻When you have a child who hits/bites/kicks and another child who has been hurt and you approach the situation after it has already happened, it is important to start with the child who has been hurt. ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ 💕Tell the child who did the hurting that you see them and that you will talk with them in a minute. ⠀⠀ ❤️This shows the child who is hurt, the outcome of their actions (causing pain to someone else). ⠀⠀
❤️Second, it shows the child who is hurt that their pain matters to you and that you see them. ⠀ ⠀⠀ ❤️Third, it slows you down enough so that, in the moment, you don’t make choices, which don’t align with your values of how you are going to discipline. ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ 👉🏻As you slow down to respond to your hurting child, you are allowing your brain time to calm down so that you can access your own logical thinking again and approach the child who was hitting from a place of curiosity and calm. ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ❤️Once you have spent a few moments with your hurting child, you can then go to the child who hit and with curiosity try and understand what happened and what your child may need to learn so that they can get their needs met in a way that doesn’t involve hitting! ⠀
You could narrate what happened, focus on repairing the relationship, and stay curious about what skills your child may need to learn or work on for the future.
This is a simplification of what happens in these moments, but we hope you find this helpful. ⠀⠀ ⠀ Do you have sibling fights in your home?
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Positive parenting is a journey that takes not only practice and patience but the ability to shift from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset.
A fixed mindset is about seeing the qualities of yourself, your child, and all the circumstances around us as unable to change. Whereas a growth mindset is believing that things can change with time, effort, and persistence.
And once you make that shift to a growth mindset, you’re able to expand your capacity to embrace challenges, to continue through obstacles, to learn from mistakes, to seek out inspiration and other successes instead of criticizing yourself for not measuring up. That’s what’s possible when we have a growth mindset inside of parenting.
So, when you’re in the heat of the moment and react in a negative way to your toddler’s behavior (like yelling or punishing), I invite you to be easy on yourself and understand that reacting that way doesn’t make you a bad parent. That it isn’t a permanent response to everything your child does in the future. That if you want to make a change, you CAN.
You always have the opportunity to repair a relationship by making amends.
Here’s how:
1. Take Ownership by saying, “I felt frustrated and yelled at you.” 2. Acknowledge the impact and say, “How was it for you? Got it. You felt sad when mommy yelled.” 3. Apologize then say, “I’m sorry that wasn’t my intention.” 4. Move forward by saying, “Next time, I’m going to step back and take 5 deep breaths.”
Avoid beating yourself up by remembering that you are human and allowed to make mistakes. Having a growth mindset can change your whole outlook and feelings about parenting a toddler.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Play encourages creativity, increased dexterity, and physical, cognitive, and emotional strength!
Play can lead to feelings of confidence, competence, and resilience in children!
Play is POWERFUL.
For most people, learning involves acquiring a specific new skill, such as memorizing alphabets, counting, writing, etc. They often believe that playing is only for fun and involves no actual learning.
However, according to studies, playing is learning. Children learn through playing.
The importance of play in early childhood cannot be underestimated because playing is essential to a child’s growth.
Another added benefit of play is strengthened child-parent bonds! As a parent, consider joining your child in play. Allow your child to set the scene and take the lead – this gives you an opportunity to experience your child’s world and connect on a deeper level!
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Highly sensitive children are at risk of internalizing a lasting and highly damaging sense of shame – a sense that they’re somehow “lacking” compared to more outgoing siblings and peers. Parents and other significant adults in their lives need to do all they can to prevent this unwarranted sense of shame from taking root.
If you have a highly sensitive child, the following points are likely just reminders for you. However, they may be helpful for others who are important to your child too.
Value your child
A highly sensitive child’s experience of the world may be different from yours, but it is real. He or she is not “faking” tantrums or frustration to get attention or manipulate you. Your child can’t adapt to “be like you” and the sooner you can gratefully accept the child you have, the happier you will both be.
Validate your child
All highly sensitive children eventually notice that they are different from other kids. Your child needs to know that you value them and that they are not an oddity. Remind them that many people are like them.
When they face their weaknesses or failings, they need you to counter their self-doubts with a more balanced perspective. Bringing up a success to match a failure is important for wiring your child’s brain for self-esteem. Remind them of their unusual strengths in another area.
Protect your child
To build confidence in a new situation, your highly sensitive child will need to take smaller steps than other children, with lots of encouragement from you. It’s extremely important not to force your child to go beyond what they’re comfortable with. Pushing this child to help them “get over their fear” will backfire terribly. Certainly, don’t let others pressure your child to do something he or she is not ready to do.
Accept that a slower pace means peace
Highly sensitive kids thrive on predictability and routine, and they need much more down time in their schedule than “regular” kids. Any intense experience should be balanced by a quiet, restful “retreat” that allows them to regroup emotionally.
Cultivate patience
When discipline is called for, always remember that even a stern talking to can be crushing to these kids. Generally, they’re harsh self-critics, quick to condemn themselves as “bad” or “useless” when they mess up. It’s a good idea to conclude discipline with a reminder that everyone makes mistakes.
Don’t fret about all the “fun things” your child seems to be missing out on, advises Aron. Your child doesn’t have to live the same childhood that you did. He or she has their own ideas about what is “fun.” Stay positive, be proud of your child and predict a great future for them, and you’ll help your child stay positive too.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Finding your kids in the thick of a physical altercation–punching, biting, slapping, or even worse was scary stuff for everyone involved–children and parents alike. But the truth is, this behavior is common, especially in younger children who don’t have more appropriate conflict resolution skills.
What can you do to reduce sibling fights? Model empathy, personal boundaries and healthy conflict resolution. Coach children during conflicts (when needed). Stepping out of a judge role and taking on a more neutral, facilitator role. Below are the five essential guidelines to stop sibling fights.
1. Step in and limit all behaviors that are hurtful. (You might need to physically stand in their way) Use calm and confident words.
It might sound like “I’m standing here, and I will not let you hurt each other.”
2. Take time to listen and validate feelings. Taking turns as needed to speak to each child and remembering that coaching role explained above. Think along the lines of “You two are having a hard time—I wonder what we can do,” instead of “He or she is the problem.”
3. Focus on understanding needs and boundaries. Avoid criticizing the behavior that was out of line. Children are quite aware that hitting and hurting a sibling is wrong.
4. Use respectful communication and discipline with the intent to teach. Focusing on solutions and agreements instead of punishments. This actively strengthens connection, a sense of cooperation, capability and well-being.
5. Don’t be afraid to suggest that everyone take some time to calm down. Stay by your children but don’t get into problem solving mode until tears have passed and everyone seems ready to listen.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
When a child’s self-esteem is positive and well balanced, they aren’t afraid of making mistakes because they recognize within themselves the ability to try again. They can manage worries, frustrations and the learning process well. Especially when parents can encourage and support them along the way.
Here are ten parenting practices that promote healthy self-esteem:
1. Use encouraging words: Self-esteem is reinforced when children feel confident in their abilities, even when things are tough. Encouraging words help children stay the course.
2. Welcome boredom into your home:When boredom shows up, children start to get creative. They tap into their inner resources, discover their interests and learn to rely on their own abilities. Allow for plenty of unstructured time for your child every day. Even better if you can get them outdoors!
3. Validate feelings without eliminating every obstacle: When your child is struggling, try to validate and listen. Have faith that your child will be able to feel a full range of emotions and get through their feelings.
4. Teach self-care skills: Show your child how to care for their body, belongings and home. Self-esteem really starts with knowing you can care for yourself, so allow your child to be an activate participant in their care from the very start.
5. Listen: Strive to make time to be together each day so you can listen to your child talk about accomplishments, fears, worries, ideas and more.
6. Acknowledge worries: When a child feels like her worries are being understood she is better able to deal with them and move forward. So, try not to dismiss worries and instead acknowledge them.
7. Have courage & be kind: Our children really are watching us and reflecting on the choices that we make. Face your own obstacles, fears and worries with courage. Highlight the good and how you worked things out. Of course, it’s ok to be authentic and admit defeat, but strive to do so with general compassion and kindness towards yourself.
8.Welcome mistakes and imperfections: See these as opportunities to learn, to persevere or to know when to quit and move on. Each mistake can be a chance to learn something new, or at the very least to model what it takes to problem solve.
9. Spend time together: Play, fun and laughter are incredibly powerful ways to connect to your child’s heart and mind. Children that feel connected to their parents feel good about themselves. This practice has tremendous potential to reduce stress, misbehavior and increase your child’s well-being.
10. Use connected, positive discipline: Focus on working together, on understanding the root of the problem, setting limits well and being present. A respectful, kind and clear approach to discipline helps your child feel secure, loved and understood. A great mix for growing up with a healthy and with balanced self-esteem.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
The exciting nature of screen time can trigger the release of dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter that makes us associate screens with pleasure and therefore something we want to spend more time with. When the game stops, so does dopamine release and for some individuals this can result in irritability.
Time spent in front of a screen is also time your kids are not spending engaged in other activities, many of which minimize behavior problems.
Kids with more than two hours a day of screen time by the age of 5 are almost eight times more likely to meet the criteria for ADD/ADHD than youngsters who spend less than 30 minutes a day looking at a screen, according to a 2019 Canadian study in Plos One.
The next time you’re tempted to use screen time as a sort of babysitter, think twice. You could be setting up your child for a lifetime of struggle. It’s best to limit your preschooler’s screen time to no more than 30 minutes a day. Here are three ways to limit your preschooler’s screen time.
1.Use parental controls.
Tablets and smartphones come equipped with control options that allow parents to monitor and limit screen time.
2. Set and enforce screen rules.
No screens at the dinner table. No screens in the car. No screens before bedtime. Whatever rules you set, be sure to enforce them. This will help preschoolers develop a healthier relationship with their tech gadgets.
3. Encourage physical activity.
Take your child to the park, swimming pool, or activity center or sign them up for group sports so they can burn off energy while having fun and learning new skills. Exercise increases blood flow to all parts of the body, including the brain, and it boosts focus and attention. Kids who spent at least two hours a week playing organized sports were less likely to have behavioral issues. When ADD patients play sports, such as basketball, which involves intense aerobic exercise, they tend to do better in school.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
“Be mindful of the language you use to describe your children. They will come to see themselves through the filter you design.” – Lori Petro, TEACH Through Love
Words are powerful. Words are especially powerful when said by parents to their children. The words we use to describe our children become a part of their self-concept and their behavior is based on their self-concept. Our actions have deep roots on what we think and how we perceive self. Self-concept has a big influence on our behavior. Behavior pattern decides actions. Stable or unstable self-concept, it is a motivating force in a person’s behavior…It is important at this moment to connect the influence of the words we use to call little ones as ‘dumb’, ‘stupid’, etc. We just casually call and forget, but those words have big impact on little minds. Some school children study below their capacities because they have learned at home and from other members of friend circle to think themselves as dumb.
Children will have a much easier time valuing themselves if they are valued by their parents. Dorothy Briggs, the author of Your Child’s Self-Esteem, says that parents are like a mirror, creating the child’s self-image. We reflect to them who we think they are, and they take it in as the absolute truth. They are not critical of our evaluation of them until they get much older, when the damage is largely done.
The way we ‘frame’ a situation, or a person, heavily influences our interactions. If we consistently see our children as frustrating impediments in that would otherwise be a well-ordered life, then every interaction with our children will be marred by that default view. Such a view promotes a deficit-orientation towards a family. It reduces motivation on the part of parents to help their ‘good-for-nothing’, ‘bratty’, ‘ungrateful’ children. And unsurprisingly, such approach is hardly inspiring for children. They feed off the negativity of parental perception and typically live up to precisely what is expected of them…which is not much.
I understand we aren’t perfect parents, and sometimes something may slip off our tongues that we regret saying. In those instances, apologize and reaffirm to your child your love and belief in him. Positive parenting does not require us to be perfect, but it does require us to be mindful. Be mindful not only of the words you say, but of the thoughts you think. Reframe negative thoughts and purposefully look for and appreciate the positives in your children. Tell them how kind, capable, and wonderful you think they are. One of the greatest gifts you can give your child will never be found under the Christmas tree: A healthy self-concept.
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