Criticism by loved ones is sadly one of the most common problems faced by gentle and positive parents.
Are you ever told to follow authoritarian parenting practices that invoke fear in children? Spankings. Threats of punishment. Solitary time-outs.
Many well-meaning parents resort to and insist on authoritarian parenting because sometimes fear of punishment CAN stop a behavior in the *short-term*.
But in the long run, it can result in kids feeling resentful, seeking revenge, or just feeling discouraged and down on themselves. These outcomes can ultimately lead to some negative behaviors in the long haul. Then, the cycle continues!
Positive discipline is *not* the easy way out. It’s HARD work. 💪🏽
By opting out of bribes, threats, and punishments, we can empower our children to understand the rationale behind positive decision-making. 💞
This takes TIME. ⏰ It takes growing through mistakes. But it also results in fostering an internal motivation to do the right and kind thing.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Guess what? The nagging and yelling aren’t working. Learn how to keep words to a minimum, nix harsh punishments, and develop a more positive approach to navigating ADHD with your child.
Like all kids, children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) sometimes make bad choices regarding their own behavior. No surprise there. But to make matters worse, parents could often use a few parenting tips themselves, and err in the way they discipline misbehavior. Instead of using firm, compassionate discipline, they move into what I call the ignore –nag-yell-punish cycle.
First, the parent pretends not to notice the child’s bad behavior, hoping that it will go away on its own. Of course, this seldom works, so next the parent tries to urge the child not to do such and such. Next, the parent starts yelling and scolding. When this doesn’t produce the desired result, the parent becomes extremely angry and imposes harsh punishments. I think of this fourth stage as the parent’s temper tantrum.
This four-part strategy (if you could call it that) isn’t just ineffective. It makes life needlessly unpleasant for every member of the family.
How can you avoid it? As with any other pitfall, simply being aware of it will help you steer clear of it. At the first sign of starting on the wrong path, you can stop what you’re doing and make a conscious decision to try something else. Take an honest look at how you respond when your children misbehave. What specific situations are likely to cause you to go down this path? How far down the path do you typically proceed? How often?
Let’s examine the ignore-nag-yell-punish strategy more closely to see why it doesn’t work – and come up with some strategies that do.
Why Ignoring Doesn’t Work
By ignoring your child’s misbehavior, you send the message that you neither condone nor support his misbehavior. At least that’s the message you hope to send.
In fact, your child may read your silence as “I won’t give you my attention or concern” or even “I reject you.” That can wound a child. On the other hand, your child may assume that your silence means that you approve of his behavior or will at least tolerate it. “Mom hasn’t said I can’t do this,” he thinks, “so it must be OK.”
Even if your child correctly interprets the message that you’re trying to send by ignoring him, he has no idea what you want him to do instead. In other words, ignoring your child doesn’t define better behavior or provide guidance about how your child should behave next time.
Instead of ignoring him when he does something you disapprove of, I recommend another “i-word”: interrupting. That is, quickly move people or objects so that your child is unable to misbehave.
For example, if your children start quarreling over a toy, you might say, “Alex, sit over there. Maria, stand here. I’ll take this and put it up here.” Similarly, if your teen comes for supper with dirty hands, immediately take his plate off the table and silently point to his hands if you feel the need to tell your child what you expect of him, tell him once, very clearly. Then stop talking.
Don’t Be a Nag
Why is it important to keep words to a minimum when disciplining your child? Because, as I often remind parents, words are like tires. Each time they rotate against the pavement, they lose tread and become less efficient at starting, stopping, and steering. If you spin words out endlessly, they’ll become less efficient at starting, stopping, and steering your child. Eventually, your words will have no “traction” at all – as tires will eventually become bald.
If the chatterbox parent is ineffective, so is the parent who barks orders like a drill sergeant. To break the yelling habit, tell yourself that you won’t open your mouth until you’re calm enough to speak at a normal volume and in a cordial tone. Often, all it takes to calm down is to spend a few minutes alone – something as simple as excusing yourself to get a glass of water may do the trick.
Taking time to cool off will also help you avoid the last and most counterproductive element of ignore-nag-yell-punish.
Punishment vs. Undoing and Redoing
Parents often assume that by punishing a misbehaving child, they’re helping to build the child’s conscience. Not so. In most cases, harsh punishments, like spanking, simply encourage a child to become sneaky to not get caught next time.
A better approach is to impose consequences that are appropriate to the offense and respectful of your child. Ideally, the consequence you impose for a particular misbehavior will involve undoing or redoing the situation. The consequence for carelessly spilling milk for example, might be that your child cleans up the mess (undoing), and, then pours another glass and sets it in a safer place (redoing). No need to blame or yell. No need to impose harsh punishments (for example, withholding food).
If you’re careful to recognize your first steps down the ignore-nag-yell-punish path – and to substitute the strategies I’ve described – you’ll find yourself on a different path, one that leads to a better relationship with your child. It’s a trip I highly recommend.
Kids with ADHD tend to have outbursts more often than other kids their age. Most of the time, these flare-ups aren’t threatening. Kids might yell or slam doors. But sometimes, they lose control and become aggressive.
Here are five tips on how to curb the aggression of a child with ADHD and ODD.
1. Cut down on electronics. For kids with ADHD, too much screen time can make symptoms worse. Set a timer or limit the number of hours of electronic use per day (the suggested amount of time is no more than two hours for the entire day). During the periods of the day when you child would have been streaming a TV program, offer alternatives – go out for a walk, cook together or try out a new activity once a week.
2. Teach your child compromise and negotiation skills. Kids with ADHD have difficulty being flexible and compromising. Adapting to new situations and rules they’re not accustomed to isn’t a pleasant activity for them. Establish a set of “rules.”
3. Help your child express his or her emotions positively. Kids who learn how to express their emotions in a healthy way grow up to be supportive of others, perform better in school, have better relationships with partners and peers, have better coping skills, and have an overall healthier sense of self.
4. Show your child stability and structure. Children with ADHD need structure and routine. Daily routines and a predictable, organized schedule help make your child feel safe. Maintain consistent house rules. Remind your child of your expectations and the consequences of not meeting those expectations.
5. Exercise. Exercise is a fantastic activity for anyone, even for kids without an attention disorder. But for kids with ADHD, it’s particularly helpful. Science has proven that exercise is a great way for kids to unleash and unwind; it’s also a way to work out any feelings of anger and frustration.
Experts say that even 30 minutes of vigorous exercise per day can help kids with ADHD manage their moods. It can even decrease or eliminate the need for medications that are prescribed to aid in symptom management. It’s also an excellent way of reducing aggression.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Children thrive if parents can have clear expectations for behavior and enforce those standards consistently. Determine what your expectations for your kids are on everything from how they perform at school to curfews, household chores and even things like using profanity and what their bedtime is during the school year. Be specific and then make the consequences equally as clear.
Tip #2: Model Appropriate Behavior
Remember that you always have an audience when your kids are in your presence. We’re human so we’re going to get irritated and speak harshly or display a temper now and then, but just as soon as it happens and you catch yourself, stop and apologize in front of your kids. By explaining why you’re sorry to your kids, you demonstrate that we need to be held accountable for our action.
Tip #3: Be Affectionate Often
When a child hears phrases like “I love you,” or “How’s it going?” or notices that you stopped what you’re doing when she enters the room and is greeted with a loving smile, it means the world to a child. When you display affection to your kids and other family members, you’re validating to them how important they are to you, which sends the best positive message you could ever deliver.
Tip #4: Teach Problem Solving
When kids are exposed to problems that allow them to be part of the solution, it builds important skills that will carry over into their adult life including how to manage their behaviors.
Although kids crave structure and boundaries, they also love and need to exert their independence. As they grow, obviously they’ll have more opportunities to make more involved decisions, which in turn will aid in their problem-solving abilities.
Tip #5: Teach Behavior During Play Time
Forbid name calling. Compassion starts with what’s acceptable and what’s not. Let him know that being kind to others is the rule and hurtful words are not allowed. If you get involved right away, you are sending an important message that kindness trumps everything and that name calling is not going to happen.
Tip #6: Request Respect
If your kids are taught how to respect themselves and others, they will learn good coping skills for dealing with anger and frustration in appropriate ways that are not verbally or physically abusive to others.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Toddlers love to take the most mundane things and turn them into the most anxiety provoking things ever for us parents. Real talk? How many times a day do you find yourself saying, “BE CAREFUL!!”🚨
Here’s the deal, when it’s a nonstop barrage of “be careful!”, your kid either a) paralyzes in fear b) completely ignores you c) gives you a puzzled look and doesn’t ACTUALLY learn what is dangerous. 🙈
When we verbalize OUR worry and anxiety to them, they internalize it. What does this mean? Their little fight-or-flight response gets triggered. 😧
This is GREAT if in real danger. But, if they’re actually safe in that moment, hovering and constantly telling them to 🚨”be careful!” can signal “the world isn’t safe” and “don’t take risks!” “be hyper vigilant and on guard at all moments!” Basically, our anxieties become their anxiety.
Risky play is crucial for healthy growth and development. Research shows that “parents who… encourage[d] their kids to push their limits to a greater extent had children who were less at risk of exhibiting anxiety disorder symptoms…”
So, how can we break the “Be Careful” cycle? ✨Pause, take a deep breath ✨Does this situation present serious harm? ✨Why does this make me uncomfortable? ✨Is my child learning skills right now?
Some situations require you to do nothing and other situations require you to help your child foster awareness or problem solve. So, we’ve now reserved the 🚨”BE CAREFUL!”🚨 for when they truly SHOULD completely stop in their tracks with fear – dangerous things like running into the road, about to burn themselves, etc. So, instead TRY THIS. Guide their awareness + problem solving skills: ✨Bring awareness to their bodies “Woah! You’re practicing your balance! You’re really listening to your body! Way to go!” ✨Notice how? “Notice how the water under your feet makes the rocks slippery.” ✨Do you see? “Do you see that big branch up ahead?” ✨Do you feel? “Do you feel how wobbly that branch is when you climb over it?” ✨Problem solving “That branch up ahead is in the way, what should we do?”
It’s important that we let our kids engage in risky or challenging play because it’s a great way for them to practice problem solving skills. Let the children know to proceed with caution, but don’t make them be afraid to fall. They need to learn how to get back up, dust themselves off, and move forward.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
“What should I do when one child hits my other child?” ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ 👉🏻When you have a child who hits/bites/kicks and another child who has been hurt and you approach the situation after it has already happened, it is important to start with the child who has been hurt. ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ 💕Tell the child who did the hurting that you see them and that you will talk with them in a minute. ⠀⠀ ❤️This shows the child who is hurt, the outcome of their actions (causing pain to someone else). ⠀⠀
❤️Second, it shows the child who is hurt that their pain matters to you and that you see them. ⠀ ⠀⠀ ❤️Third, it slows you down enough so that, in the moment, you don’t make choices, which don’t align with your values of how you are going to discipline. ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ 👉🏻As you slow down to respond to your hurting child, you are allowing your brain time to calm down so that you can access your own logical thinking again and approach the child who was hitting from a place of curiosity and calm. ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ❤️Once you have spent a few moments with your hurting child, you can then go to the child who hit and with curiosity try and understand what happened and what your child may need to learn so that they can get their needs met in a way that doesn’t involve hitting! ⠀
You could narrate what happened, focus on repairing the relationship, and stay curious about what skills your child may need to learn or work on for the future.
This is a simplification of what happens in these moments, but we hope you find this helpful. ⠀⠀ ⠀ Do you have sibling fights in your home?
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
The exciting nature of screen time can trigger the release of dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter that makes us associate screens with pleasure and therefore something we want to spend more time with. When the game stops, so does dopamine release and for some individuals this can result in irritability.
Time spent in front of a screen is also time your kids are not spending engaged in other activities, many of which minimize behavior problems.
Kids with more than two hours a day of screen time by the age of 5 are almost eight times more likely to meet the criteria for ADD/ADHD than youngsters who spend less than 30 minutes a day looking at a screen, according to a 2019 Canadian study in Plos One.
The next time you’re tempted to use screen time as a sort of babysitter, think twice. You could be setting up your child for a lifetime of struggle. It’s best to limit your preschooler’s screen time to no more than 30 minutes a day. Here are three ways to limit your preschooler’s screen time.
1.Use parental controls.
Tablets and smartphones come equipped with control options that allow parents to monitor and limit screen time.
2. Set and enforce screen rules.
No screens at the dinner table. No screens in the car. No screens before bedtime. Whatever rules you set, be sure to enforce them. This will help preschoolers develop a healthier relationship with their tech gadgets.
3. Encourage physical activity.
Take your child to the park, swimming pool, or activity center or sign them up for group sports so they can burn off energy while having fun and learning new skills. Exercise increases blood flow to all parts of the body, including the brain, and it boosts focus and attention. Kids who spent at least two hours a week playing organized sports were less likely to have behavioral issues. When ADD patients play sports, such as basketball, which involves intense aerobic exercise, they tend to do better in school.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
A child with ADHD can place many demands on your time, energy and sense of competence. The constant interruptions, need for repeated instructions and close supervision can be taxing. The following strategies may be helpful.
1. Clear rules and expectations
Children with ADHD need regular reminders of the house and classroom rules so set clear targets for behavior and re-cap them at the end.
2. Strategic praise
Recognition of making the right choices will serve as a regular reminder of behavior expectations for a child with ADHD. Positive attention is powerful – “Catch them being good.”
3. Immediate or short-term rewards and consequences
Children with ADHD will benefit from immediate feedback for desired behaviors and likewise clear and proportionate consequences.
4. Be persistent and consistent
You may want immediate results, but that’s not likely. It can take months to see significant progress. When the boundaries are consistently applied the child will learn that you are in it for the long run and the relationship will form.
5. Establish routines
Children with ADHD get bored with routines but need them desperately, routines may include visual timetables on the desk and warning when the daily routine is going to alter.
6. Create clear plans and checklists for lessons and unstructured activities
Write these on their desks. A child will benefit from seeing the activities checked off and will feel a sense of accomplishment which also builds resilience in the learning environment.
7. Use timers
Timers are great for setting activities and movement breaks.
8. Reward for going above and beyond
Ensure that children have a personalized reward of their choice for completing their work or helping others in the classroom.
9. Plan your learning environment
Students with ADHD benefit from the learning environment having minimal distractions. Student and parent voice will help to establish the ideal environment for the child to access the learning.
10. Empower
Allowing a child with ADHD to feel empowered is a helpful step. Ask them where and how they think they will learn best.
The promotion of self-regulation should be encouraged too. This can be achieved through a time-out card and identifying a safe space when environment becomes overstimulating or when the child feels dysregulated.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
Trouble with sleep is a common side effect of ADHD medications (which are stimulants). To be sure your child can wind down at bedtime, ask their doctor about changing the dose, the timing of it, or the type of medication they’re taking. There are non-stimulant options that could work for your child’s ADHD. It may take a few tries to find the combo that works best for focusing during the day and going to sleep at night.
Welcome the Dark
You may have most of the lights off in your child’s room at bedtime, but does that make the room dark enough? Your kid’s body clock may need more of a nudge to know it’s nighttime. Unplug or cover any electronics that glow. Blackout curtains can help shut out extra light from outside. If your child will wear it, a sleep mask can also do the trick.
Skip the Screens
The blue light from the monitors on things like computers, tablets, and phones can trick your child’s brain into thinking it’s time to be awake. Limit screen use to earlier in the day and fill your child’s post-dinner hours with activities like board games, reading, or quiet play.
Focus on Food Choices
What and when your child eats (or drinks) can affect their sleep schedule. A bedtime stomach that’s too full or too empty can make it hard to start snoozing. So, can snacks and drinks packed with caffeine. Skip soda, tea, and chocolate in the afternoon and evening.
Stick to a Schedule
A nighttime routine can help ease your child toward sleep. A regular order of events at bedtime will help train their body and brain that sleep comes next. Write your plan down, with the help of your child. That’ll make sure you’re both on board (and help babysitters know the drill when you’re away).
Move More
A body that exercises daily sleeps better at night. Anything that gets the blood pumping and muscles moving works.
Build in Bath Time
A soothing soak in the tub might be just the trick to tire your child out. After they get out of a warm bath, their body will start to cool off. That can make them feel sleepy.
Set a Wake-Up Time
It’s easier (most of the time) to get a kid out of bed than to get them to fall asleep. Keep your child’s wake-up time the same every day, including weekends, so their body gets in the rhythm of the same sleep hours.
Stifle Sound
It’s likely your child’s bedtime happens before the rest of the household hits the hay. Block out extra noise that could distract your kid from dream time. White-noise machines create soothing static that can mask other sounds. Earplugs can also work for kids more sensitive to noise.
Address Anxiety
About 25% of kids with ADHD also have an anxiety disorder. That can make a child’s mind race and prevent it from drifting off. Talk to your child’s doctor about whether that might be part of their sleep problem. They might suggest other therapies or strategies.
Head Off Homework Early
Schoolwork often causes stress, which can delay sleep. Help your child organize their time so they can finish their work early enough that bedtime can stay the same. Try using checklists and a specific work area to help them stay on task.
Maybe a Sleep Supplement
Melatonin is a hormone your brain releases at a certain time of day to tell your body it’s time to go to bed. You can buy it in pill form and take it before bedtime to treat insomnia or other sleep problems. Experts are still studying the long-term effects of using melatonin, but they consider it safe to use in kids. Ask your child’s doctor if it might work as a sleep aid.
Relaxation Techniques
Brain and body calming methods can help some kids. Breathing exercises and guided imagery are two ways to slow down a racing mind and jittery limbs. Ask your doctor to help you find ways to show you and your child what to do.
Choose the Right Time for Bed
Be sure your child’s bedtime is setting them up for good sleep. Figure out how many hours they need based on age:
Two-year-olds and younger need 14+ hours.
Preschoolers need 10-13 hours.
Kids under 13 need 9-11 hours.
Teens need 8-10 hours.
Count backward from their wake-up time and start there. Some kids do OK with less than the average and may go to sleep faster with a later bedtime.
Your doctor can help find out what works best.
Rule Out Other Things
Sometimes ADHD isn’t behind sleep problems. If you’ve tried good strategies without success, think about seeing a sleep specialist. Your child could have:
Asthma
Allergies
Sleep apnea or another disorder that disrupts rest.
Snoring or pauses in breathing can be signs of a sleep struggle other than ADHD.
When it comes to ADHD, you shouldn’t automatically assume that your child does not listen. They, in fact, might, though, it might appear that they don’t. Alternatively, they could hear and understand and decide to act defiantly instead of obeying. Ultimately, there could be several things going on. Let’s look at some of the most common possibilities.
🟣You don’t have their full attention
For a child with ADHD, their mind often jumps from one focus point to another. If nothing specifically grabs or demands their attention, their mind quickly moves to the next thing. To make your ADHD child listen, do everything you can to request and maintain their full attention.
🟣They don’t understand what you are saying and can’t process the information
Many children with ADHD might struggle with verbal commands because they do not learn best in an auditory setting. If processing is an issue, change your approach and possibly try to explain what you want through demonstration. You could also try to write out instructions or use pictures or drawings.
🟣They are being willfully defiant
In response to defiance, if you want to make your ADHD child listen better, you can try a few things. First, you may want to explain the consequences of their actions again. If they still choose not to obey, you should carry out the consequences. You can’t back down, though, or change the results from what you had said. By doing that, your child might believe they have won the encounter and choose to continue to be defiant in the future. Instead, you should do what you said and carry through on the consequences. Hopefully, they eventually will learn to obey to receive positive results instead of negative ones.
Secondly, if you find that negative consequences have little effect, you might consider seeking out professional help. Many individuals with ADHD also have Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or ODD. ODD is a separate disorder in which a child willfully and persistently opposes the authority of others. If you continually have concerns about your child’s defiance, this might be the underlying cause.
Making your ADHD child listen can be a difficult task. You don’t have to be alone in figuring it out, though. While it might take time, you can learn to communicate in ways to make your ADHD child listen.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
If a child has Executive Functioning Disorder or delays, it does not mean that all the skills and tasks are negatively impacted. A child may be delayed in one skill or all skills.
Since there are many other diagnoses associated with EF skills, such as, ADD, ADHD, ASD, and Traumatic Brain Injury, many tend to look at the larger diagnosis and not look through the EF lens. This can lead to missed opportunities to assist a child with gaining independence and confidence. Often a child may be called “lazy”, when in fact they have EF difficulties and are unable to plan out how to do something.
Here are some great tools to help a child that may be experiencing EF difficulties:
1. Rationale: When a child learns new skills, provide the rationale behind them or things like planning for the task might feel like a waste of time.
2. Outline steps: Support the child by defining the steps involved in tasks ahead of time to make a task less daunting and more achievable.
3. Use aids: Use tools like timers, computers, iPad, or watches with alarms.
4. Visuals: Prepare visual schedules and review them several times a day.
5. Provide 2 types of information: Provide the child with written (or visual) instructions as well as oral instructions.
6. Create checklists and “to do” lists, estimating how long tasks will take. Use checklists for getting through assignments. For example, a student’s checklist could include items such as: get out pencil and paper; put name on paper; put due date on paper; read directions.
7. Use calendars to keep track of long-term assignments, due dates, chores, and activities.
8. Improve working environment: Assist the child to organize their workspace and minimize clutter and distractions.
9. Establish routines to try to consolidate skills and memory of what needs to be done.
10. Cut and paste projects requiring multiple steps in which they must complete tasks in a sequential manner.
11. Mind mapping to assist the child to get ideas down on paper strategically.
12. Games: Planning and problem-solving games such as puzzles or games like ‘Go Getter’ (River & Road game).
13. Lotus diagrams: Use lotus diagrams with the child to help with structuring thoughts on paper whilst creating clear expectations as to how much to write.
14. Block building: Get the child to copy block designs from a picture or a 3D model.
15. Drawing: Draw a picture as a model. Then draw an incomplete version of the same picture and ask the child to finish the picture to make it look like the model.
16. Practice goal setting with the child (e.g., Help the child to set attainable goals that are well-defined). Break goals down into smaller steps and talk about alternative approaches with the child.
17. Recall games that require the child to recall information such as Memory: “I went to the shops and bought a…”
18. Multi-tasking: Practice doing several activities at once (it may be helpful to number the activities) to encourage the child to learn to shift from one activity to another.
Coach Benjamin Mizrahi. Educator. Learning Specialist. Family Coach. Father. Husband.
EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONS COACHING 